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BILLY'S 
LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR 

Come^i^ Hn tlbree Bets 



H. V. ESMONl^ 



Copyright, 1904, by Samuel French 



CAUTION :— Professionals and Amateurs are hereby notified 

that this play is fully copyrighted under the existi ng laws of 

the United States Government, and nobody is allowed 

to do this play without first having obtained 

permission of Samuel French, 24 West 

22d St., New York City, U. S. A. 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

26 WEST 22D STREET 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 Southampton Street, 

STRAND, LONDON. 



I LIBRARY of CONaSESsl 
Two Copies Receivea 

NOV 28 1904 

f-n-) Copyrignj tntry 
CUSS ^ ^XXc. Ho: 



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BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 



Produced at the Criterion Theatre oti September 2d, 1902,. 
with the following cast : 

Cbaracters. 

Jack Frere Mr. Allan Aynesworth. 

Sir Harry Harmon Mr. Charles Groves. 

Jim Greaves Mr. Sam Sothern. 

Mr. Munkittrick Mr. Mark Kinghome. 

Captain Becher Mr. Orlando Daly. 

Mr. Raddles Mr. J. W. MacDonald. 

Hagson Mr. Ian MacLaren. 

Hon. Mrs. Herring Miss Carlotta Zerbini. 

I^rs: Jim Greaves Miss Florence St. John. 

L^t)y Duncan Miss Granville. 

t ADY Roop Miss Alice Beet. 

Lady P'airleigh Mrs. E. H. Brooke. 

Miss Perrot Mrs. Cairn-James. 

Fielding Miss Eileen Warren. 

Fowler Miss Edith Cartwright. 

Miss Wilhelmina Marr Miss Eva Moore. 



THE action of THE PLAY PASSES AT HARLESDON MANOR. 

Act I.— The Terrace; 

Act II. — The Smokfne-Room. 

Act III.— The Hall. 

Time — The Present Day. 



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BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIE. 



ACT I. 

Scene. — The terrace at Harlesdon Manor. An old stone 
Balustrade at hack beyond and heloio with a vieio of 
the opefi country. On the l. a portion of the house is 
seen with large open icindoios, opening into the draio- 
ing-r 00711. Steps lead from, these windows doion on to 
terrace. And steps also up from the grounds on to 
the terrace at right side of stage. 

(Discovered. — Various Old Ladies are sitting in cane 
chairs, dozing through the heat of the afternoon. 
Lady Fairleigii, a benevolent, comfortable old lady; 
Lady Roop, a very vacant looking lady, and the Hon. 
Mrs. Herring, a stout flabby lady of fifty or there- 
abouts. They are all three comfortably asleep. Mrs. 
Herring has a small handkerchief resting on her some- 
ivhat large face. A moment after the curtain rises, 
Mrs. Herring becomes a little disturbed, and half 

■ waking, flutters loith her handkerchief — then again 
replaces it over her eyes and endeavors to resume her 
slumbers. Another pause. She is again disturbed, 
sits up fiercely, and looks round enviously at her 
sleeping neighbours.) 

Mrs. H. (seated r. c.) No flies on them, (a pause; 
she looks gloomily at Lady Roop. Then sharply) Mary! 
Wake up, Mary! (Lady Roop wakes and looks vaguely 
about. She has a note-book and pencilin her lap. Mrs. H. 
fluttering her handkerchief) Something could easily be 
done — treacle paper or one of those men with the hatband. 
No flies on you, Mary ? 

Lady R.' (with a chuckle) Not since I took up 
journalism. 

3 



4 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

Mrs. H. (sadly) Something on me attracts 'em. 

(Enter Man Servant ivith tea tray, then Maid with cov- 
ered dish. Mrs. H. sighs, and she and Lady R. bolh 
settle back into their chairs again and close their eyes. 
Man Servant and Maid set tea back of terrace, almost 
behind the house, then go quietly l. u. e., leaving the 
old ladies undisturbed.) 

(Miss Perrot enters from drawing room and doivn steps 
L. H. Crosses up c. to table on platform. She is very 
handsome, though a somewhat discontented woman of 
thirty. She goes up at back to the tea table, and 
after a pause, rattles a cup and saiicer. saying firmly.) 
Miss P. (at table c.) Tea! (The three Old Ladies 

wake loith a start) 

Lady F. (on settee up l. c. — a little dazed) What 

was I saying? 

Miss P. Tea! (then realising there is no teapot on 

the table) Oh, no, it's not here yet. 
All Old Ladies. Tea already? 
Lady F. (rising and moving doicn l. c. — looking at 

her watch) Four! Gracious, nearly five! I must have 

dropped off. (Miss P. crosses to table l.) 

Mrs. H. (in arm-chair l. c. — enviously) You did — 

no flies on you either. (Lady F. moves doicn to bench 

U JFrs. H. flittering her lianclkei^chirf) It'stlm littleoncs 

that ticlile. ' Where's Jane? (Miss P. crosses to c.) 

(Raddles, a tceak-kneed gentleman of forty enters from 
r. 2, up steps to platform r. c.) 

Miss P. (doicn r. c. l. of Mrs. H.) Probably sitting 
in her bedroom, regretting her second marriage. (Lady 
F. is now do'wn l. sitting on bench in front of steps) 

Lady R. (in arm-chair r. h. — icith a short chuckle) 
I wonder does he ever regret it? (Raddles attempts to 
speak) 

Mrs. H. Not while she allows him enough to dress 
on. 

Miss P. (c.) I've heard that that allowance is some- 
what intermittent. ' v 

Lady R. (r.) It has been reduced occasionally. 
(she chuckles again) 

Mrs. H. (r. c. closing her eyes and speaking sol- 
emnly) On the first occasion his dres^ money was re- 
duced, as a protest he wallsed about in knickerbockers. 
I dread to contemplate hoiv he will appear in public if 
it should be cut off entirely — 



BILLFS LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 5 

Mr. R. (on platform — nervously) My view of the 
matter is — 

Lady F. (on stone bench l. h., checks him quickly, 
lest he should be indiscreet — quickly) Mr. Raddles! 
Really. 

(Raddles subsides. Maid is seen in the drawing-room 
of house L. H. She enters, goes to icindoio and gets 
book as if sent for it.) 

Lady R. There's her maid, (calls) Fowler! (Maid 
comes to door facing audience) Where's your mistress? 

Fowler, (at door of house l. h. — gravely) She's 
locked herself into Mr. Greaves' room an hour or more, 
my lady. I don t think she'll partake of tea to-day. 
(Fowler disappears off l. h. in house. Miss P. moves 
doicn R. of Lady F.) 

Lady R. Locked herself in her husband's room? 
(chuckles) 

Lady F. (a little distressed) Oh, dear, something 
fresh must have occurred. 

Miss P. (moves l. a little of Lady F. — languidly) 
My dear Lady Fairleigh, when a woman of Jane's age 
marries a gilded youth who has lost nearly all his gild- 
ing, (look between Miss P. and Raddles. He chuckles) 
something fresh is always occurring. 

Mrs. H. Or rather, something stale is always becom- 
ing fresh. (Miss P. moves c. Raddles tnoves up to 
tea table) 

Miss P. (moving to c.) And that's an evolution 
quite incompatible with domestic felicity, (up to table) 

(Man Servant enters l. u. e. with the tea-cake, places it 
on table r. hand side, and exits l. u. e.) 

Lady F. Here comes the tea-cake. (Miss P. moves 
up c. Raddles goes up to table at back) 

Miss P. The tea is not there, is it, Mr. Raddles? 

Rad. My view of the matter is — 

Miss P. (interrupting him looking at table. Cross- 
ing toivards balustrade r. c.) I see it isn't, (goes to r. 
c. Then looking doion over balustrade into the grounds 
off R. 2 e.) There's that dreadful Lady Duncan, (comes 
c. Raddles waves his hand to Lady D. off s.) I really 
think our dear hostess has gone a step too far in having 
her here, (coming hack to c.) 

Mrs. H. (seated r. c.) It's a mercy Jim Greaves is 
away; won't it be a shock to him when he returns? 

Miss P. (r. c, l. of Mrs. H.) If I hadn't made all 



6 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

my arrangements to stay for ten days, I should posi- 
tively decline to meet her. 

Lady F. (rising and coming l. c, looking from one 
to the other in bewilderment) Good gracious! I'm 
quite in the dark. What are you all talking about? 
(Raddles down l. c. ) 

Mrs. H. You don't mean to say you never heard of 
our host's affair with Lady Duncan? 

Miss P. (c. a little— softly) And the little flat in 
Victoria Street? 

Lady F. 0, hush! 

Rad. {coming down c.) My view of the story i» 
this— (Mrs. Herring checks his disclosure with a ges- 
ture ) 

Mrs. H. Least said soonest mended, Mr. Raddles. 
(Raddlls scoivls) The story is perfectly true, but we 
don't believe it, of course. 

Lady F. (distressed) Oh, don't let's discuss — (goes 
to bench l. mid sits) 

Mrs. H. (a little peevishly) Nonsense! If we don't 
discuss it thoroughly, what right have we to disbelieve 
it? 

Miss P. (gently, as if reproving Lady F.) Silence 
wouldn't be fair to Lady Duncan. 

Mrs. H. Mind you, I've heard it wasn't her first in- 
discretion. 

Miss P. (c. dreamily) She was always a popular 
woman. (Raddles chuckles and goes to settee l. ) 

Lady F. Oh, how did such a dreadful story leak out? 

Mrs. H. (leaning back and folding her arms over 
herself) It overflowed. (Raddles sits suddenly) It 
didn't stop to leak. (Miss P. crosses to l., points at 
Lady Roop, tvho is beginning to doze again) Mary got 
hold of u first — wake up, Mary. (Miss P. props Mary. 
Raddles motions Lady R. to wake ) Her housekeeper 
was sister-in-law to the man who, at that time, was 
valeting Jim. This fellow left Jim's service to get mar- 
ried, and had little talks with his wife about his last 
master's doings. His wife in her turn had little talks 
with her sister, Mary's present housekeeper — wake up, 
Mary! {UADDhES motions Lady R. again) Mary's pres- 
ent housekeeper, I suppose, had little talks with Mary, 
because Mary had a little talk with me, and if only 
somebody had whispered a third of one of those little 
talks to Jane — 

(Man Servant enters with tea urn, places it on table 
and exits.) 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 7 

■well, my Lady Duncan wouldn't be out there this mo- 
ment chatting on Jane's lawn. 

Miss P. Hush! She's coming — and tea's up. {goes 
to back of table c. General move to tables and chairs at 
back. Lady R. from doion e. up to R. of table. Lady F. 
to front of table. Mrs. Herring r. of it) 

Mrs. H. {lifting lid of china dish) They're always 
very sparing with the tea-cake. 

Rad. The view I take is — {below Mrs. H. l. c.) 

Mrs. H. {handing him a plate) Bread and butter. 
{he subsides and they all devote themselves to the meal 
at back, and the front part of the terrace is quite clear 
as Lady Duncan comes up from, the garden by the step 
R. 2 E. on to the terrace. Lady D. is a petite, golden^ 
haired woman with a very soft voice and caressing man- 
ner. ) 

Miss P. {serving tea on platform up c, sweetly) 
You're just in time for tea, Lady Duncan. (Raddles 
goes to chair r. c. and moves it forward as if asking 
her to sit) 

Lady D. {crossing to l. c.) I timed it accurately. 
(Raddles has fussed about and offered her arm-chair 
E. c, motions chair down r.) Down there, please — just 
in the shade, {sits) One more cushion, {looking up at 
him. He gets it R.) dear man. {lie gets cushion from 
chair r. c. for her feet) So many thanks. 

Mrs. H. Wheels. 

Miss P. {at back loojcing -over balustrade to l. h., 
she listens) The dog-cart. Our host has come home. 
{then she turns and smiles quietly to the others) I 
think we expect developments. 

Mrs. H. {excitedly) Jim back again! 

Lady R. More copy if I can keep awake. (Jim heard 
inside house l. h. ) 

Jim. Take 'em up to my room. That's all right. 
(Raddles goes up to table quickly and gets tea — it is 
given him by Lady R. He comes dotvn a little to note 
meeting of Jim and Lady D. At the sound of his voice. 
Lady' D. lifts her eyebrows iu surprise and smiles; the 
Old Ladies watch her covertly) 

Lady D. That's dear Mr. Greaves' voice, I'm sure. 

(Jim Greaves, a handsome but somewhat weak-looking 
young man enters from house.) 

We haven't met for quite an age. (Jim stands thunder- 
struck at seeing her) 

Jim. {on platform l.) You! 

Lady D. {siveetly) How do you do, dear Mr. 



8 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

Greaves? (durivg this the Lapies and Eaddles have 
their tea cups to their lips as if about to drink and are 
watching the scene over them. On Jim's first " cake " 
the cups come doivn on the saucer with a bang and the 
Ladies get their heads together) 

Jim. How de do? What the deuce? Eh — what? I 
say, you know — 

Lady D. You're just in time to hand me some cake. 

Jim. (feebly) Cake? (cups clash and the heads of 
the Old Ladies come together over table. Exclamations 
from Ladies. He backs towards table and the Old 
Ladies greet him cordially. Raddles takes cake doivn) 
Is there any cake? (Ladies and Rad. greet him, "How 
d'ye dof etc." He takes cake down to Lady D.) Here 
you are. 

Lady D. It doesn't matter. I don't really want it. 
Jim dear, you've aged. Only these few months — or is it 
years — married — but you've aged. 

Jim. I say, this isn't cricket, you know. 

Lady D. You don't look really glad to see me. (Miss 
P. sends Rad. for the cake) 

Jim. (ivith a burst) Look here, you can't stay here 
— my wife's a jolly good sort and all that — and — and — 
I say, you shouldn't have come, by gad! you shouldn't. 
Oh, damn these women! (Raddles comes down quietly 
and takes the cake dish from him and up again to table 
loitli it) Oh, certainly. 

Lady D. Jim dear, you were always lacking in a 
sense of humour. 

Jim. How did you get here? 

Lady D. Your dear wife — what a unique old lady, 
Jim — worked with me for a most deserving charity and 
we were mutually drawn to each other. I think she's so 
charming — you lucky man! 

Jim. Look here — what's your game? 

Lady D. Cards on the table, Jim? 

Jim. Yes. 

Lady D. Mr. Munkittrick is staying here, and he 
really doesn't know how to manage his millions. 

Jim. You're not — 

Lady D. I am going to marry Mr. Munkittrick. 

Jim. When? 

Lady D. Oh, I haven't settled that yet. The dear 
man is quite unaware of my decision, (Miss P. moves R.) 

Jim. (feebly) Not a shred of decency — 'pon my 
soul, not a shred. 

Lady D. It'.s delicious to shock you, Jim; for an im- 
moral youn9; man, you have the strangest reverence fur 
the conventional. 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 9 

Miss P. (at r. end of balustrade on vT-atfonn off 
-R. 2 E. Over balustrade looking heloio) Aren't you com- 
ing to tea, Miss Marr? (Jim moves up c.) 

Billy, {heard from beloio off r. 2 e.) No, just go- 
ing back to play the third set. I've beaten him twicvi. 
(Jim moves up a little at the sound of Billy's voice, 
looTdng off r.) 

Miss P. Such energy must aaect your complexion. 
(Billy laughs) 

Lady D. Miss Marr. Oh, dear me, how I dislilie that 
young woman. 

Jim. {coming down again l. of Lady D.) Billy? 
Why? 

Lady D. Because, unless somebody interferes, shs 
has every prospect of marrying the sort of man I should 
have married ages ago. 

Jim. Who's that? 

Lady D. Jacli Frere. I really must see that he 
doesn't throw himself away on Miss Wilhelmina Marr. 
Wilhelmina, the very name would lessen a husband's 
self-respect. I'm almost tempted to malie love to him 
myself. (Miss P. crosses to table) 

Jim. You ain't likely to catch Jack, if he's really in 
love with Billy. 

Lady D. {looking closely at Jim) Someone else I 
know was in love with Billy — and yet I — 

Jim. Oh, I always was a fool. What came off with 
me wouldn't come otf with him. He has got leanin's 
towards the church and a moral or two. 

Lady D. Has he, still? — at his age? I wonder why! 
Anyhow he's much too good for Miss Wilhelmina Marr. 

Jim. {quickly) He isn't a bit. He's a thundering 
good fellow is Jack, but so's Billy, and it's a jolly good 
thing for her that you played the game you did with 
me, otherwise she'd have been married to me by now, 
and nice thing that would have been for a brick of a 
girl like Billy. Don't you interfere there — you marry 
old Munkittrick's millions — 

Lady D. As you did Jane's. 

Jim. Look here, ye know, my wife's a jolly good 
sort — don't you go calling her by her Christian name. 

Lady D. {siveetly) She insists on it. 

Jim. Not a shred, you know. Damned if you've got 
a shred, {moves away to l.) 

Lady D. {rises and follows Mm to c. He stops on 
hearing li is name) Jimmy, you were always a sportsman. I 
bet yoii a level fiver that Mr. Jack Frere does not marry 
Miss Wilhelmina Marr! 

Jim. You be careful — Billy's my cousin. 



10 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

Lady D. Appalling thought — don't be alarmed. I'll 
make her my dearest friend. 

(Enter Man Servant from drawing-room l. h. through 
window to steps, he sees Jim Greaves. Seeing that he 
is talking to Lady D. he stops confused. Lady D. 
sees him.) 

1 think your man wants to speak to you. (goes up c. 
to table) 

Jim. (l. c. crossing to hiyn) Well? 

Man Servant, {top of steps l.) I can't get your 
things, sir. 

Jim. (at foot of steps l.) What d'ye mean? 

Servant. Mrs. Greaves had locked the door of your 
room, sir. 

Jim. What! Where is Mrs. Greaves? 

Servant. Inside the room sir. 

Jim. Damn! (he bolts off through drawing-room, 
the Man Servant following respectfully. A general ris- 
ing at the table at back. Lady D. down c. Mrs. H. 
doivn R. Lady R. down s. c. Miss P. down l. c. Rad. 
up L. c. Lady F. down l.) 

Mrs. H. One gets so chilly after food. It's the blood 
— has to go to the inside to help digestion, I've heard. 

Rad. {sitting down at table c, in seat vacated by 
Lady F., My view of the matter is — (Mr. Munkit- 
TRiCK heard calling from the grounds off R. 2 E. beloiu 
terrace) 

MuNK. {off R.) Is Lady Duncan with you, Mrs. 
Herring? 

Mrs. H. {from k. c. talking over balustrade off E. 

2 ) Yes. (Miss P. to c. iDith Lady F.) 

Lady D. {crossing to r. 07i terrace) Dear Mr. Mun- 
kittrick, I'm so sorry, but I couldn't have got through 
the afternoon without my cup of tea. {on platform R. 
c.) 

Lady R. {down c. l. of arm-chair r. c. ) You didn't 
have any. 

Lady D. {shaking her finger smilingly at Lady R. ) 
Ah — there speaks the journalist — always observant. 
I'm coming, Mr. Munkittrick, I'm coming. {she goes 
down steps to join Munk. off r. 2 e. Lady R. sits iin 
chair r. c. and sleeps) 

Miss P. (l. c. coming down languidly with Lady F.) 
Oh, yes, Billy Marr's a dear, sweet girl, and of course 
none of us ever believe a word we say against her, but 
you do think she's heart whole now? 

Lady F. (l. c.) I do. 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. H 

Mrs. H. (r. c. coming to c.) I don't. (Rad. listens 
to this for a moment and then seats himself up l. settee) 
There's tliat young man who is going into the church. 

Miss P. Mr. Frere! (c.) 

Lady F. (l. c. ) Jack Frere? 

Mrs, H. (r. c.) Jack Frere? I quite sympathise 
with her. I always feel a litle soft myself towards 
young men witli broad shoulders and twinkling eyes — 
who — who — think of going into the church. 

Servant, (off l. h.) Beg pardon, ma'am, I think — 
(Lady F. moves down to bench l. All turn l. ) 

Mrs. G (off l. h.) I tell you she is there 1 She is! 
(Lady R. wakes with a start. Voices raised excitedly 
heard) 

Mrs. H. What's up? 

(Enter Mrs. Greaves. Jane first on to platform l. Ser- 
vant in doorway.) 

Lady R. It's Jane. (Mrs. Herring c.) 

Jane, (on steps l. pointing off r. to servant) There 
she is out on tlie lawn with Mr. IMunkittrick. Be quick I 
(servant crosses front of Jane and off R. 2. Mrs. 
Greaves was the widow of a prosperous alderman and 
looks it. Her manner is excitable, and she is somewhat 
inclined to be embonpoint. She speaks very abruptly. 
Mrs. H. moves a little to l. c. On steps of house — com- 
ing down) Sorry to leave you .good people so long, 
but I've been busy, (crossing to r. ) 

Mrs. H. (crosses to l. c.) What at? 

Jane. (c. marching up and down terrace c. in a con- 
dition of subdued excitement, turning c.) Ferreting. 

Rad. Ferreting! 

Mrs. H. Jane! 

Miss P. What! 

Lady F. What! 

Lady R. My! (Rad. rises, crosses to her, the others 
following a little) 

Jane. Oh, don't fuss and get exclamatory. I've found 
out another of his little piccadillys. (crosses to r.) 

Miss P. (crossing to c. then up to back of chair c, 
quietly correcting her) Peccadilloes, Jane. Peccadil- 
loes. (Rad. laughs and sits up l.) 

Jane. (r. ) Same thing, (crosses to L. c.) I'm ou 
the war-path, (she stops in front of Lady R. who has 
again dropped into a doze) Wake up, Mary! (Mrs. G. 
shakes Lady R.) 

Mrs. H. (l. h.) Gracious, Jane, what have you 
found out? 

Jane, (c.) Oh, nothing fresh to you. You all found 



12 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

it out long ago doubtless, {they all protest except Lady 
R. who is asleep. Then turning fiercely to Lady R.) 
Wake up, Mary. (Miss P. irakes up Lady R., who ivaves 
her hands about in a feeble dazed way, recalling her 
senses, c. going to her and spealdtig u-ith great firm- 
ness) Mary, I have found out — accidentally I sincerely 
hope, from my maid (Rad. is very interested in this) 
what your housekeeper heard from your brother-in-law, 
my husband's late valet, about a flat in Victoria Street. 

Ojines. {apparently astonished) Eh? 

Jane, {turning l., hurling a scornful glance at them 
all) Oh, I don't hesitate to discuss it before you all, 
my dearest friends. You've already discussed it thread- 
bare among yourselves. 

Omnes. No, no, I assure you. 

Jane, {folding her arms with a snort) Well, all 
right, not threadbare. Such a theme could never get 
threadbare in the hands of one's friends. 

Lady R. {having partially collected herself, protests 
feebly) But, I do assure you — 

Jane, {snapping round on her) Don't assure me, 
because I know you know all about it, you know. Out 
with it, jMary 

Lady R. Really, Jane, I'm just awaked from dozing, 
and I positively cannot recollect to what you refer. 

Mrs. H. (l. c, very blandly) None of us know to 
what you refer. 

Jane, {snorts and again looks round defiantly at 
them all) Which of you knows the woman's name? 
Do you ? (to all of them in turn) 

Lady R. {1st) No! 

Miss P. (2d) No! 

Rad. {Sd) No! 

Mrs. H. {ith) No! 

Lady F. {5th) No! {quite high and loud) 

Jane. Ha ! Honour among thieves ! {they all xyrotest 
'^ Oh, Jane, really") I don't mean that — at least, not 
while you're guests of mine. But you do know and you 
won't tell me. Very well — I daresay you're perfectly 
right, {goes down) 

Mrs. H. Have you? 

Jane, {turning on her quickly) Yes, I have. I've 
cut off his allowance — every shilling of it. {crosses to 
L. and goes up on steps l.) 

Lady R. {to Miss P. who is below her — in great dis- 
Tnay) Oh how ivill he dress at dinner? (Jane moves 
towards the house l. h.) 

Mrs. H. (l. c, giving way and getting to l. c.) 
Where are you going? 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. Ig 

Jane, (on platform l. Half way up the steps on her 
tvay to drawutyroum) I'm going to hunt tlirough his 
papers. Flats must leave something behind 'em. 

Mrs. H. {going totcards her a little — aghast) But, 
my dear — your husband's papers — 

Ja^e. (on steps fiercely) I will. I've got 'em all out 
of his room. I pay the piper and I'll call my own tune. 

(Man Servant enters from garden r. 2 e. ]\Irs. Greaves 
turns quickly towards him. As she speaks all look at 
servant, then tarn to lier after It is answer.) 

Did you ask Lady Duncan to come to my room? 

Man Servant. (o» platform r. h. ) Yes, ma'am. 
She'll be with you in a moment. (Servant crosses 
round at back, on platform and off l. u. e.) 

All the Ladies, (gasp out) Lady Duncan! 

Jane. Yes, why not? She's a woman of the world — 
keeps her eyes open. She used to see a good deal of 
Jim at that time. She may give me some clue as to 
■whom the hussy was. 

Mrs. H. (falls in chair l.) Oh, Jane, Jane! 

Lady F. ikrs. Greaves! 

Lady R. Oh ! (Miss P. laughs. Rad. chuckles) 

Jane, (turns to go) What's the matter with you 
all? I tell you I'm going to prove this little affair once 
for all. I'll find out that woman's name or mine's not 
Jane Greaves, (she goes excitedly into house l. h.) 

Mrs. H. (crossing to R. .c.) "Well — did you ever 
hear — 

Lady R. (in arm-chair r. c. icith a shrill chuckle) 
Sent for the woman herself! (Raddles silently chuck- 
ling all through this, rises and goes up c, sits at table 
and eats cake, as Lady D. enters) 

Mrs. H. (r. c, greatly disappointed) She'll never 
learn anything now. 

Miss P. (r. of chair s. c. equally disappointed) Oh, 
doesn't it seem a pity. 

Lady R. (very cheerfully) Oh, what a flare up 
there'll be if it all comes out. 

Mrs. H. (sadly) It won't. Lady D.'s as cute as a 
waggon load of monkeys, and thanks to Jane's stupid- 
ity, she's forewarned fore-armed. (Miss P. to above 
chair) 

(Enter r. 2 e. Lady Duncan on to terrace, followed by 
MuNKiTTRicK, expostulating. Lady D. crosses to c. 
front of Ladies, Munk. following. The three Ladies 
at R. c. observing) 

Munk. After I've been hunting for you all over the 
place. 



14 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

Lady D. I'm so sorry, Mr. Munkittrick — but when 
one's hostess demands one's counsels and advice one 
must obey, [the Ladies have their heads together till 
Lady D. is off) 

MuNK. {with a clumsy attempt at gallantry) I'll 
wait, (turns to the three Ladies b. c. Talks to Lady 
R. first, then Mrs. H., then Miss P. Lady D. rvns up 
steps into draioing-room, meeting Jm. Tlie expression 
on his face startles her. Jim enters l.) 

Jim. (in doorway in a great state of agitation) 
Something's up. My wife's been locked up in my room 
for hours. 

Lady D. (reassuring) It's all right, (crossing in 
front of Jim. Turning back) She's going to confide in 
me! (exit l. h. into house) 

Jim. (perfectly aghast) Not a shred of decency, 
upon my — (he disappears quickly after her into the 
house. MuNK. joins Rad. up c, Rad. shows him 
photo) 

MuNK. Ha 1 ha I Old Jasper Philpots, (sits) 

Mks. H. (e. c.) Mary, didn't you write a very cur- 
ious little paragraph about a certain thing that hap- 
pened to a certain lady — not unconnected with Sir 
Jasper Philpots? 

Lady R. (seated e. c.) Oh, it was merely a sugges- 
tion. I knew none of the facts, but I knew all my 
friends would read between the lines. 

Miss P. (standing back of chair b. c.) Ah, I knew 
what you meant in a moment. 

Lady R. (sadly) Ah, I didn't till long after- 
wards. 

(Enter Jack Feebe cheerfully from drawing-room l. h. 
He stands on the steps and looks round smiling at the 
party below him.) 

Jack. (l. h.) If you can assure me that you're not 
talking scandal, I'll trust myself amongst you for some 
tea. (Miss P. to stone bench. On word "scandal" the 
ladies separate, heads up) . 

Mes. H. My dear Mr. Frere, nobody ever talks scan- 
dal nowadays — (going up e. b.) but Mr. Raddles has 
finished the tea cake. (Jack comes down laughing. 
Lady R. rises and goes down to arni-chair R. H. ) 

Rad. (c. at table up c.) My view of the matter — 
(Jack ignores him) 

Jack. (l. c. crossing to c.) Anybody seen Miss 
Marr? 

Miss P. (down e. c, up a little e. c, points off r.) 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 15 

She's down there with Captain Becher. (Jack crosses 
to R. MuNK. joi7is Mrs. H. and they go r. a little. Miss 
P. joins Rad. and then crosses down to r. to Munk. ) 

Jack, {crossing to balustrade R.) So she is. {calls 
to her) I say, have you had your tea, Miss Marr? 

Billy, {from the garden below r. 2.) I'm coming. 

Jack. Come and sit beside me — and protect me from 
Mrs. Herring — she's going to break out into scandal 
again. Even Munlvittrick is looliing nervous. 

Munk. (r. c. pompously) 1 must confess I like a bit of 
scandal. 

Miss P. (r. C.) If it's piquant. 

Jack, {up at tea table l. of it) And appetising. 
(Rad. crosses above table. Billy enters followed by 
Captain Becher. Jack gets some tea. Billy sits in 
arm-chair r. c.) Tliis is no place for us, Miss Marr, but 
if we want tea — 

Billy, {seated r. c, looking up at him as she takes 
the cup) We must grin and bear it. (Munk. laughs) 

Jack, {bringing doion chair frovi up r. c.) I won- 
der could I reclaim you all if I stood up on this chair 
and poured out burning words? (Munk. crosses to plat- 
fo7'm R. meeting Captain Bechkr and Raddles wiio goes 
up. They talk) 

Lady R. {seated down R.) Your views of life are 
very serious, Mr. Frere. 

Jack. (c. with mock gravity) Very — very serious. 
(Miss P. rises) 

Mrs. H. (l. c. ) I've heard of your being seen with 
a lot of little children on the sands digging with a 
bucket and a spade. (Miss P. comes down) 

Jack, (c.) Bar digging with the bucket, the report 
is substantially correct. 

Billy, (r. c.) I wish I'd been with you. 

Jack, (c, l. of Billy) I wish to goodness you had. 

Miss P. {up c, watching them a little spitefully, 
sniffs) It may be so arranged next time, {there is a 
distant rumble of thunder and the sky begins to cloud 
over. All turn tmvards back cloth) 

Mrs. H. Thunder! {moving on to steps l. All the 
Old Ladies rise, with ejaculations, and prepare to go 
into house. Lady P. first, then Mrs. Herring) 

Lady R. (rising) Thunder I That's wliat's made mo 
SO dozy, (moves across to l. She hurriedly gathers 
her lace shaiol about her) I must really go anet write 
my little column " What we overhear " 

Mrs. H. {on steps into house. Interrupting firmly) 
When we over-sleep. Come along, Mary — you're not 



16 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

popular, {exit into Jioiise and off l. followed by Ladt 
R.) 

Miss P. Aren't you coming in. Miss Marr? 

Billy, {rising, going R.) No. I don't think it Avill be- 
much. (Billy is now returning her cup to Jack, who 
takes it to table up c. Miss P. goes up on steps) 

Rad. {to Miss P.) My view of the matter is — 
(Miss P. makes a movement of impatience and goes into 
house) 

Munk. {interrupting Rad.) Play you billiards, 
Becher. {going up steps. As Munk. speaks Rad. turns 
on him furious. Munk. seeing he has interrupted him 
begs liis pardon in jmntomiine) 

Becher. {stopping l. c. To Billy and speaking ner- 
vously) You won't forget your promise, will you. Miss 
Marr? 

Billy. {071 platform r. c. vaguely) Promise? 

Becher. (a little embarrassed) After your letters- 
are written, you know. {lights begin to loork up 
sloioly) 

Billy. {quicMy, with a smile) Of course, I won't, 
Captain Becher. (Becher nods delighted, and folloios 
Munk. into draiving room l. h. and off l. ) 

Jack. (c. after a pause, looking at sky) You're quite 
right, it's not going to be much. {Pause. She looks 
over terrace balustrade r. then Jack says, looking loith 
a smile at Billy) I'm very glad they're gone, aren't 
you? {down l. c.) 

Billy. Why are you? {turning towards him) 

Jack. I'm always expecting 'em to make my blood 
boil. Fancy old Lady Roop being the authoress of that 
scurrilous column of lies. 

Billy. She sleeps so much — she must get paid for 
her dreams, or she'd starve. 

Jack. My goodness, if you had only ht^ard 'em yes- 
terday. 

Billy. And before you too! 

Jack. Very disgraceful, wasn't it? 

Billy. Almost a clergyman. 

Jack. I'm not almost a clergyman, but I will be 
some day. {to her a little) You don't take me seri- 
ously enough. Whenever I tel^ you the sort of life I've 
mapped out for myself, you turn up your nose and 
sniff. (Billy seats herself in o>rm-chair r. c. facing 
Jack. ) 

Billy, {putting down racquet) Let's go over the 
principal points and attractions of your future life 
again. Little country church, little country garden; 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 17 

you "With a large book in one hand and a little garden 
hose in the other, being religious and domestic. 

Jack. No — no. Not domestic — oh, no. I'm never 
going to inarvy, 'gainst my principles for clergymen to 
marry, {sits c.) 

Billy. Yes, so you told nae the first time we met. 

Jack. So I did. I think I only just got hold of that 
principle then. 

Billy. And I thought it was so sweet of you. It 
made matters so much simpler for us poor weak women. 

Jack, {pulls up chair) Did it? 

Billy. Of course. We all knew exactly where we 
were as regards you at once. 

Jack, {pulls up chair — thoughtfully) Yes, I sup- 
pose you did. It's a safeguard co have definite prin- 
ciples. 

Billy, {demurely) It must be. 

Jack. Now that's one of the great advantages of 
being a poor man — if one had money — there — there 
wouldn't be the smallest necessity to have beautiful 
principles like that. 

Billy, {gravely) Ah, it must be a terrible loss to 
be rich. 

Jack, {acquiesces xvith a solemn nod) Ah, indeed. 

Billy. Look at Mr. Munkittrick. 

Jack, {rises, goes l. ) Oh, don't talk to me about 
that man; I cannot stand him. 

Billy. He's very much in love, poor dear. 

Jack. Who with? 

Billy. Lady Duncan. 

Jack, {scornfully) Not he. 

Billy. He is, really. 

Jack, (going to her again) He can't be. He was 
discussing her in the smoking room in a very casual 
way, last night. 

Billy, {sitting up amazed) He was! Oh, the — 
the — {iDords fail her) 

Jack. Cad — that's just what I said to myself. 

Billy, {ivith great conviction) Oh, if any man pre- 
tending to love me discussed me with his men friends, 
I'd never speak to him again. 

Jack, {over back of chair) Oh yes, you would if 
you loved him. 

Billy, {ver-y vehemently and firmly) I wouldn't — I 
wouldn't. Nothing would induce me to. 

Jack. No man who really loved a woman would 
allow for a moment that anything she did could admit 
of discussion. 

Billy, {quickly) I'm sure of that! 



18 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

Jack. Least of all in the smoking room. 

Billy. {7'ises and goes to k. 07i platform) Well, 
you'll see he'll marry her anyhow, {she goes up to wall 
and looks over the distant country) 

Jack, (stands watching her) I often wonder who 
you'll marry. (Billy doesn't turn towards him, still 
stands gazing into the distance) 

Billy. Do you? 

Jack, (goes towards her r. below chairs, nods then 
says softly) I wonder would you do me a great favour. 

Billy, (turns to him, smiling gently on him) I wonder. 
What is it ? 

Jack, (quite near her — with a little touch of senti- 
ment) It would make me very happy. 

Billy, (impulsively, coming nearer to him) I will, 
of course. 

Jack. Be — be — be — married in my church, whea 
I've got one. 

Billy, (sniffs, looks up at him, and turns aioay with 
dignity) Certainly, I will, (goes doicn R. below plat- 
form) 

Jack, (following her) I shall be very lonely in it 
all by myself. 

Billy, (r. takes up racquet) There might be a con- 
gregation. 

Jack. (r. c. sadly) Oh, yes, there might be — but 
I'm pessimistic. I remember writing a sermon once, 
and when I read it aloud to myself, I was quite sorry 
I was present, (looking off r. 2 e.) Here comes Harry 
the misogynist. 

Billy. I don't believe such a thing exists, (crossing 
to h. he follows, moves towards drairi)i.r/-7yjo)n) 

Jack. (c. looking after her) Going? 

Billy, (stopping l. c. near steps) Yes. 

Jack, (pleadingly) Come back soon — and — and — 
do me another favour — think of the awful loneliness of 
my future. 

Billy, (turns to him) What shall I do when I come 
back? 

Jack, (to her) Let me talk to you quite — quite 
seriously for ten minutes. . 

Billy. All right, (moves "to L.) 

Jack. (l. c.) And promise me solemnly that all 
during that ten minutes you -won't fidget or — sniff^or 
turn up your wicked little nose. 

Billy, (on steps) I promise, (up to door) 

Jack, (sighs and looks at her tenderly) Will you 
do me another favour? 

Billy, (in doorway) Perhaps. 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 19 

Jack. I've got three sisters at home, and I haven't 
got one here. I do miss tlieni so. Will yon be a sister 
to me, in — in private? {coining to foot of steps) 

Billy, (leaning forward from top of steps) A — a — • 
half sister I'll be — in private. 

Jack. Thank you, Billy, {lie gives a little gasp a& 
he gets it out) 

Billy. Don't mention it — Jack, (starts to go again 
She too gets out the Christian name with a little gasp', 

Jack, (with a burst) Do you know it' it wasn't for 
you, I should lose sight of all my principles. 

Billy, (in tvindoio, quickly loith Tneaning. Lean- 
ing across pillar) Would you — all? 

Jack, (at foot of steps) I would. 

Billy. Even the one about not marrying? 

Jack. Even that one. 

Billy, (tossing her head) I must be a plain little 
cat. (exit into house. She goes out as Sir Harry 
comes up the steps the other side r. 2 e. ) 

Jack. (l. c. looking after her) What does she mean 
by that? 

Sir H. (on platform R.) It's a jolly good thing for 
you. Master Jack, that your visit is drawing to a close 
and that you sink back into a country mouse again — 
(coming to r. c.) these surroundings aren't healthy 
for a young man who wants to preserve his illusions 
by becoming a parson. 

Jack, (coming to c. ivith a little laugh) I'm learn- 
ing what to avoid. 

Sir H. (coming forward n. c.) Then you're a slow 
learner. Why, you're always at the skirts of some 
woman or other. 

Jacjc. I'm not. I hardly speak a word to any of 'em, 
except — Lady Duncan — and — and — 

Sir H. Mrs. Herring, and Lady Roop and Miss Marr 
and three or four of the others. That was Miss Marr 
went in there, wasn't it ? 

Jack. Yes. 

Sir H. (seating himself arm-chair r. c.) She's a 
nice girl. 

Jack, (enthusiastically) She is! 

Sir H. (seated r. c.) She's been engaged four times. 

Jack, (c.) Has she? 

Sir H. Is that because she's a nice girl or because 
she isn't? 

Jack. Because she's a nice girl of course. 

Sir H. Ah, that point admits of argument. 

Jack, (to chair r. c.) You're a pig-headed, caustic, 
soured old bachelor. 



20 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

SiE H. Well, don't crow, you never mean to marry. 

Jack. I don't, but that doesn't blind me to the fact 
that the fairest and most beautiful thing on God's earth 
is a young woman — 

Sir H. Who has been engaged four times? 

Jack, {enthusiastically) That's not her fault. 
That's the youth on her. That's not vice. That's the 
voice of the spring, old man; that's the young blue eyes 
turning heavenward to seek its mate — and — 

Sir H. {scornfully) Young blue eyes — Christopher!' 
Of all the ridiculous similes that ever I heard — I quite 
understand why your peojile selected the church for you, 

(Man Servant enters, comes down steps crosses to 
Jack on cue.) 

Jack, (a little dashed) Yes, that wasn't a very good 
one, was It? But you're a wet blanket, Harry. You 
must allow slie's — (rises. Footman havds tch-grain to 
Jack) For me? {He takes it, reads it once, tivice, then 
gives a gasp and puts his hands through his hair and 
stares at it. A jiause. He turns to Sir. H. Footman 
exits at once, c. ) Read that! {sits in chair facing 
Harry) 

Sir H. {reads it and gives a long whistle) He's 
very old, isn't he ? 

Jack. Awfully old. 

Sir H. {looking at him solemnly) By Gad! You'll 
be a baronet with £10,000 a year — {rises returning tel- 
egram) And as a matter of principle you sacrifice all 
the happiness you might get out of it to lead the placid 
life of an unmarried country parson, {takes his ha>ids) 
It's noble of you — 'pon my word it is. {he starts off 
dotvn terrace steps r. 2 e.) 

Jack, {rises, stands glaring at the telegram, then he 
suddenly shouts after Sir Harry) Come back! 

Sir H. (r. c. returning) Well? 

Jack, {very gravely) I don't think a man who is a 
baronet and has £10,000 a year has any right to have any 
principles at all. Do you? , 

(Billy enters in draiving-rooth and looks for hook in 
cabinet.) 

Sir H. {egualy grave) P'raps you're right. 

Jack, (c.) Principles belong to the poor. Why 
should the rich man have everything — it seems selfish. 

Sir H. (looking off into draumig-i^oom) There's Miss 
Marr. I'm off — talk it over with her. (upon platform 
going r.) 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 21 

Jack, (quickly) Certainly not. My thoughts on the 
subject are not sufRciently mature. 

Sir H. She could help you to mature 'em. (exit 
doivn steps r. 2 e.) 

Jack. That's not a bad idea, (puts telegram in his 
pocket, goes up towards dratving-roovi side loindoio and 
calls) Miss Marr — 

Billy, {from room) Yes? 

Jack. Who's in the drawing room? 

Billy, (coming to side windoiv) Only me. (leaning 
out) 

Jack, [changing his tone to one of great tenderness 
on finding iherfre alone) Oh, Billy, come out. (doion 
stage to foot of steps) 

Billy. I can't come out now. I'm busy. 

Jack, (heloio icindoic) I don't care, (then icith 
great delight, almost awe as he looks up at her and 
whispers) Oh, Billy, you are a — 

Billy, (doorivay. Smiling down at him from top of 
steps) A what? 

Jack, (beloto steps) A — a — just a dear — that's all; 
do come out here — it's — it's cool and lonely. 

Billy. I can't. Captain Becher — is at the present mo- 
ment waiting to play me billards in the billard room. 

Jack, (smiling up at her) I don't care! 

Billy. And Mr. Durrant is waiting under the copper 
beach on the lawn to show me how to mend punctures. 

Jack. I don't care. 

Billy. And Lady Duncan has offered — 

Jack. I don't care. 

Billy. You don't seem to care for anybody, do you? 
(o pause, she looks at him archly) 

Jack, (solemnly — 'backing away) Ah, it didn't 
come, off that time, did it? (she sniffs, c. Still looking 
up at her) You're not keeping your promise, you know. 
You promised me ten minutes serious talk — and that 
during those ten minutes, you would neither fidget, sniff 
or turn up your silly little nose. We've not been here a 
minute and a half and yet you've done all three. 

Billy, (coming down steps haughtily) The nose is 
physical ; the fidgeting is constitutional and the sniff 
slipped out. (doivn l. front of stone bench) 

Jack. Is that an apology — or an admission? 

Billy. Both. (sits) Shall we begin the serious 
conversation, (he comes to sit alongside her, sees there 
is no room; she sees what is the matter and makes 
room for him) 

Jack, (as if going to commence a long dissertation) 
I told you I was going into the church. 



22 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

Billy. Yes. 

Jack. I told you that I regarded the step as a vi- 
tally serious one. 

Billy. Yes. 

Jack. I told you that I had rigid ideas on the sub- 
ject of young men who go into the church. 

Billy. Yes. 

Jack. The great one being that they shouldn't marry. 
(she sniffs — a pause — he looks anxiously at her) You 
sniffed. 

Billy, (apologetically) It slipped out. 

Jack. Tlien hold your breatli till I've done, it puts 
me off. I told you I had all these definite and rigid 
ideas. 

Billy, (demurely) Yes. 

Jack. I told you all this ten days ago. 

Billy. Yes. And you've kept on repeating it up till 
ten minutes ago. 

Jack. Yes, that's because I always like to remember 
what my views are. 

Billy. I understand. 

Jack. Well, I'm having this chat with you — this seri- 
ous cliat with you now to tell you — (prt?t.se) To tell 
you — I've got all these principles still, (a pause — he 
again looks at her anxiously) Did you snilf? 

Billy, (hotly) No. 

Jack, (a little disappointed) Oh! (a pause) You 
might have sniffed then, I'd have passed it over that 
time. 

Billy. The ten minutes must be up. 

Jack. Not at all. There are seven minutes more, (a 
pause) 

Billy, (resignedly) Well? 

Jack. Well, I've got those principles still — but I be- 
gin to wonder if I've any right to them, (takes tele- 
gram from his pocket, looks at it) 

Billy. Oh dear! 

Jack. Influenza — is a good deal more serious than it 
sounds, (pause — they look at each other — he is stand- 
ing C, she seated L.) Ever hear of my uncle Joseph ? 

Billy, (indifferently) I. may have. 

Jack. Sir Joseph Frere, Baronet, of Frere Court, 
Hampshire. 

Billy, (as if duly impressed — bowing) Oh, I have. 

Jack. He had ciit all the respectable members of his 
family for years. 

Billy, (with increased indifference) Oh! 

Jack. I include myself. 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 23 

Billy. Oh! 

Jack, {telegram in hand all the time) He has got 
the influenza. 

Billy. Oh! 

Jack. I am his nearest relative. 

Billy. Oh! 

Jack, (slowly) Influenza often leads to complica- 
tions unless one is careful. 

Billy. Oh! 

Jack, {coming a little nearer to her and speaking 
very solemnly) Uncle Joseph — from what I have heard 
— I can't speak from personal knowledge because I 
never met him — Uncle Joseph is never careful. 

Billy. Oh! (Jack sits. Pause. He is looking 
straight at her, pointing to telegram) 

Jack. And he has got the influenza. 

Billy, {sloicly) Well? 

Jack. I told you, I still tell you I have very definite 
and rigid ideas about life, but it's obvious that influenza 
followed by complications may upset the most definite 
and rigid ideas of life. 

Billy, {edging up to him with a little laugh) Ah! 

Jack. I only mention it because I thought it would 
te a relief to you to know that my case is not quite so 
hopeless as — as — we have allowed ourselves to believe — 

Billy. Oli I (away fro)ii him again. A pause) Is 
the ten minutes up? . ' 

Jack. Is they? They is not. Turn your nose down. 
(rises and goes to loindoio and hack. A long pause and 
lie blurts out) Billy, will you marry me? 

Billy, (pause to recover her breath. Looks quickly 
tip at him, tlten rises with a great assumption of dig- 
nity) No, thank you. 

Jack, (rising, puts telegram in pocket — greatly 
taken aback) You won't marry me? 

Billy, (crosses to k. above chairs, haughtily) Cer- 
tainly not. 

Jack. But— but — oh, you can't mean that? 

Billy, {upon terrace — with a light laugh) Can't I? 
I can. 

Jack, (folloioing to c, but greatly distressed) But 
you must have a reason? 

Billy. I have many. 

Jack. (c. ) Tell me one. 

Billy, (turning fiercely to him) One is, I never 
was proposed to in such a casual way before — (down 
off terrace to R ) it's most unmanly. 

Jack. (c. completely taken aback) Unmanly! Cas- 
iial! (then very earnestly — goes to her) Oh, if you 



24 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

only knew how I feel inside about it, you wouldn't call 
it casual — it was shyness that made me put it like that. 
Oh, Billy — I — I'm — I'm awfully in earnest, dear — do — 
do — say you'll marry me. 

Billy, (b. shortly — turning her back on him) No! 

Jack. (r. c.) But what's to become of us both if 
you don't? 

Billy, (r. her back to him) You will, I hope, go 
into the church and remain single — while I will marry 
a man who takes life seriously. 

Jack. (r. c.) I do take life seriously — awfully sei'i- 
ously. (softly) Oh, Billy, think again. Yovi wouldn't 
drive me back to my first principles, would you? You'd 
never sleep at night — if you sent me away to some 
lonely parisJi lo preacii ; you'd say : " Tlieie's that poor 
fellow out there preacliing to people, breaking his heart 
and cracking his voice all because I was a wicked little 
girl. Because, though I loved him all the time, I 
wouldn't have him. I sent him away because he was 
poor." {he goes c.) 

Billy, (turning on him quickly) I didn't. Jack — 
how dare you say that? It's unkind — 

Jack. Oh, Biily — the — the influenza is in the air — 
influenza and complications — don't send me away from 
you like this. 

Billy, agoing towards Mm c. Breaking into a 
smile) You don't keep serious long, Jack, {icith a glad 
laugh he catches her hands in his) 

Jack. Not to-day — to-day isn't a serious day, is it 
dear ? 

Billy. Jack, yon mustn't call me dear. 

Jack. Can't lielp it — you are a dear — just a dear — 
aren't you a dear, dear? 

Billy. A great many people have tried to convince 
me that I am. 

Jack, {ruefully) Yes, that's the worst of it. 

Billy, (snatching her ha^ids away and backing from 
him B. ) What do you mean by that? 

Jack. You told me three days ago that you thought 
you were a flirt. 

Billy. Yes, I am a flirt — you wouldn't have fallen 
in love with me if I hadn't beea. 

Jack. Yes, I should. 

Billy, (moving atoay towards arm-chair r. c.) No, 
you wouldn't. If I weren't a flirt, I shouldn't always be 
so sweet and lovable, and it's only my being always 
sweet and lovable that makes people fall in love with 
me. 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 25 

Jack. How many people have fallen in love with 
you? 

Billy, (sitting on arm of chair) Oh, heaps and 
heaps — There was Mrs. Brigstead, the bishop's wife. 
Old Miss— 

Jack. I don't couut the females. 

Billy. And I don't count the males, so we'll change 
the subject. 

Jack. Have you ever been engaged? 

Billy, (a dismayed gulp of alarm) Er — well — 
{she sits in chair) 

Jack, {moves cloum l. and then comes back to her) 
I won't press it. Have you ever been in love? 

Billy, {doivlv) Only once, and then only nearly. 

Jack, (quickly, to her) Who was he? 

Billy, (rising — half -laugh — half serious — turning 
from him doion e. c. a little) He's the only one I won't 
tell you about. 

Jack. Then he's the only one I want to hear about. 

Billy. That's just like a man, always trying to make 
trouDle. Shall I tell you of some of the others? Some 
of my really most thrilling flirtations. There was Gen- 
eral Whitefield — he was a sweet — I tell you. 

Jack. No, tell me about this other chap. 

Billy. No — that's too serious to rake up — (cross- 
ing sloivly to l. ) That's my romance. 

Jack, (quickly) Billy! 

Billy, {checking him) You're very inquisitive. 

Jack. I have a right to be. 

Billy. What right? 

Jack. I love you. 

Billy, (getting rather sentimental over her recol- 
lections) He used to say that. 

Jack, (eagerly) Did he love you? 

Billy, {sitting on arm of sione bench l. h.) No, I 
don't think he did. 

Jack. Are you sure? 

Billy, (interrupting — softly) No, not quite sure — 
bnt sometimes we were very happy, very — very happy. 
You see we were very young. 

Jack. What was the fellow's name? 

Billy, (toho is really quite sentimental now) I 
made up a pet name for him. 

Jack, (a little annoyed) Oh, indeed — I suppose he 
did the same for you. 

Billy. Yes. (pensively) He used to call me Wang, 
so I used to call him Toodles. 

Jack, (moving r. a little) It was a brilliant rep- 
artee ! 



26 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

Billy, (gravely — contemj)lating space — her thoughts 
far aivay in the past) Was it? Looking back on it it 
seems rather ridiculous to call a real grown man " Tood- 
les " in cold blood — it — seemed different then somehow. 

Jack, (coming c. getting worried) Are you serious? 
Really serious? 

Billy. Yes — Jack — quite — I'd have married Toodles 
then, and I should have regretted it all my life. 

Jack. Why would you have regretted it? 

Lilly. Because, Jack — (a pause — she rises, looks 
at him then with a little chol:e she holds out her hands 
to him and whisi ^rs softly) Oh, Jack, you know. 

Jack. Billy! (ivith a glad cry he catches her im- 
pulsively in his arms and kisses her. A long pause — she 
rer.iains happily where she is — his arms round her — 
her head on his shoulder — then he ichispers very ten- 
derly) You won't regret marrying me, will you Billy? 

Billy, (tohispers it to him) Never, Jack. 

Jack. Never, never, never, Billy? 

Billy. Never, never, never. Jack, (he kisses her 
tenderly) 

Jack. And you'll never, never flirt with anybody any 
more? 

Billy, (fervently) Never. 

Jack, (putting her at arm's-length and holding her 
hands) Swear. 

Billy. I swear, (then with a sudden recollection 
she backs atoay from, him a little dismayed) Oh, Jack, 
the Fancy Ball is on Saturday. 

Jack, (anxiously) Yes. 

Billy. P'raps it would be safer if I didn't go. I 
might break my swear. 

Jack. Billy! 

Billy, (pleadingly) Oh, Jack, think of it. (coming 
towards him a stev) The Fancy Ball, Jack. 

Jack, (a little worried) Yes, I realise that. 

Billy, (going quickly to Mm and putting her hand 
on his arm) Jack, promise me one thing — word of 
honour as you love me. Keep our engagement a dead 
secret till Sunday, and we'll' pretend we're not engaged 
till the Ball is over, and— yoii. can ask me to marry 
while we're sitting out the lasc extra and I'll say yes — 
and then we'll be engaged and that's four days off and 
in those days we can — (hacking aioay from him) 

Jack, (breaking in very cheerfully) Both finish off 
any little affairs we may have on hand. 

Billy, (taken aback) Oh, Jack, you havc'i't erotany — 

Jack, (triumphantly) Yes I have, I've got three. 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 2T 

Billy, {looking at Mm in surprise) Oh Jack, I've 
only got two. (then coaxingly) I must finish them off 
— it's no good letting them run on, is it? 

Jack. And it's quite impossible to finish them off be- 
fore the Fancy Ball — beside that will nialce such a pic- 
turesque finale. Captain Becher melts into tears during 
the barn dance, and the other little man hopped out of 
his happiness during a polka. What a triumph. 

Billy, (looking up at him) A bargain, Jack, {ex- 
tending her hands to him) 

Jack. , A bargain. 

Billy, {with a little sigh of contentment) I'm so 
glad, it's such a pity not to finish things one has begun 
so well. 

Jack, {after a pause during which he looks at her 
urith almost breathless delight and admiration) Oh, 
Billy, what a — what a — {he stops short) 

Billy. What a what — 

Jack. What a witch you are — {then he catches her 
to him again and breaks into a laugh of pure happiness) 
Billy, Billy, I haven't a principle left. I could hold you 
in my arms like this for ever aiul dream and dr;^;,m and 
dreain. Oh, my sweetheart, think of it. You and I all 
our lives together, one forever and forever — 

{Enter Captain Becher. through drawing-room to win- 
dow, followed by Lady Dujsican, 

Hullo, Becher ! (Jack breaks from herbefore Bechek sees 
their attitude) 

Billy, {loith an air of great contrition going toioard 
window) Oh, Captain Becher, I'm so sorry, but I've 
been so awfully busy, {to Jack) Excuse me, {goes 
over to foot of steps) I said ten minutes, didn't I, just 
to give you time to brush the table, chalk my cue and 
collect yourself. 

Capt. B. It's all right. I've done all that. Have you 
finished your letters? 

Billy, {puzzled) Letters! 

Capt. B. You said you wanted to catch the mail. 

Billy, {quickly) Oh, yes, thanks. I've caught him. 
{exit Becher. She thrmrs a laugldug ghince at Jack, 
who kisses his hand to her unseen by I3echer. She goes 
out smiling into house l. Lady D. comes to window. 
Jack sees her. says very cheerily) 

Jack. Hullo, Lady Duncan, {on steps) 

Lady D. (m windoiv, looking at him in amazement) 
My dear Mr. Frere, what has happened ? 

Jack, {backing away l. c. — surprised) Eh! 



28 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

Lady D. You look fearfully — distressingly radiant. 

Jack, (with a laugh) I am radiant. 

Lady D. Do give me your prescription. {coming 
down from ivindoiv and down steps) 

Jack. There isn't one. 

Lady D. {crossing to arm-chair R. c) There must 
be. What has happened to you? {sits in arm-chair r. 
c.) 

Jack. Oh. Lord, I should love to tell j^ou. I should love 
to tell everybody. 

Lady D. Oh, do be content v^'ith me — tell everybody 
and nobody \v;ints to bear. Tell me — if — if — if it's a 
real secret, {sits in arm-chair) 

Jack, {back of his chair c.) And everybody hears 
"Whether they want to or not — I beg pardon, I don't 
mean that. 

Lady D. I should hope not. 

Jack, {biirsling to tell) I — I {then suddenly, sits 
facing her — taking out telegram) Uncle Joseph's got 
the influenza. 

Lady D. {irlth an assumption of the intensest inter- 
est) Really. 

Jack. Yes — (a. pause) With complications. 

Lady D. {sympathetically) Poor dear. 

Jack. Not at all, he's got other things besides. 
Twelve thousand pounds, a baronetcy, a place in Hamp- 
shire. I'm his only heir. I've never met him, don't 
care a — for him — so I — Oh, I don't wish the poor old 
boy any harm, but he's eighty odd, I'm thirty odd, and 
my word I I — I'm sure I hope it'll turn out for the best 
for liiin, don't you ? 

Lady D. Most heartily. 

Jack. (shuking her warmhi hy the hand) Thank 
you. I knew you would, you always were a good sort. 

Lady D. Jack. I — I call you Jack — because — well — 
Jack suits j'on and everybody calls you Jack, and — I've 
known you quite long enough. 

Jack. One week. 

Lady D. Ana am quite old enough to do the same as 
everybody else does. 

Jack. Certainly — call me ^Jack. Look here, I've a 
jolly good mind to tell you. something, {he looks round 
to viake sure they are quite alone) Swear you'll not 
mention it. {draios chair nearer) 

Lady D. Of course I won't 

Jack. Well — don't you see ! If Uncle Joseph should 
by any chance— well if he were to — you understand. I 
should be in a very different position from that I'm in 
now. And of course — it was no use thinking of getting 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 29 

married on my present income. Falling in love one 
can't help — (Jim enters) we mustn't be blamed for 
that, must we? 

(Jim Greaves enters from window of house l. h. and 
shows both surprise and displeasure on seeing the 
two talking so earnestly.) 

Jim. (on platform l.) Hullo! 

Jack, (turning in his seat) Hullo! 

Jim. (looking from one to the other suspiciously). 
You two seem very chatty. 

Lady D. \laugJung up at Jim) Mr. Greaves, don't 
forget you owe me five pounds. 

Jim. What! 

Lady D. (pointedly) Our bet — now do go away. 
I'm listening to Mr. Frere. 

Jim. (after a quick look at Lady D. Jack, can you 
tell me where Billy is, Miss Marr I mean? 

Jack. Yes — she's in the billiard room with Becher. 

Jim. You've not won, Lady Duncan. The race isn't 
run yet. (he goes into the house and off l.) 

Lady D. (putting her hand on Jack's arm says 
softly) Oh, Jack, that was cruel of you! 

Jack. What d'ye mean? 

Lady D. In the same breath that you say people 
aren't to be blamed for falling in love, you tell Mr. 
Greaves that Billy is in the billiard room with Captain 
Beecher. 

Jack, (surprised) Well? 

Lady D. You should not have told him that. You 
really have no tact. 

Jack. What d'ye mean? 

Lady D. (lifting her eyebrows and shrugging her 
shoulders) My dear Jack, you know perfectly well that 
Billy and Jim Greaves, in the old days before he fell 
a victim to our poor dear Jane's banking account were — 
(s]ie stops as if loath to spealc) 

Jack, (looking at her fixedly) Were what? 

Lady D. (with much meaning) Cousins! 

Jack. And are still! 

Lady D. (loith a long sigh and a shake of the head) 
I'm afraid from what I hear they are. 

Jack. Lady Duncan ! 

Lady D. (again lightly touching his arm) No, no. 
You and I mustn't talk scandal, let's leave that to our 
elders. 

Jack. I — look here. Lady Duncan. 

Lady D. No, no, I'm sorry I said that — do let's talk 



30 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

of something else. I've just had a most distressing 
interview with his wife on the very subject. 

Jack. What subject? 

Lady D. {as if very much distressed) Oh my dear 
Jack, Jane has been so foolish — she's been rummaging 
in desks that don't belong to her — found all sorts of old 
letters — why do you men keep letters? 

Jack. What letters? 

Lady D. Letters from Miss Marr to her husband. 

Jack. To Jim? 

Lady D. Thank goodness for all concerned, poor dear 
Jane hasn't the remotest notion who wrote them — they 
are signed with a nickname, and, really can't help smil- 
ing wlieti one thinks how indiscreet yovmg people are, 
one of these delightfully naive letters is distressingly 
conclusive. 

Jack. Don't talk rubbish, {tiirns mraii from her) 

Lady D. My dear Jack — do not please look so melo- 
dramatic. Such things do occur, you know — and I 
really think everyone takes them far too seriously. 

Jack, {rising — bursting into a laugh) Great Scot- 
land, what are you women made of? (rising, and down 
X. c.) 

Lady D. I don't understand. 

Jack. (l. c.) To pretend to believe such rot about 
a girl like Billy. 

Lady D. {rising and following him) My dear Jack 
— when a human being falls in love with another human 
being the laws and customs of the world count for very 
little. Billy Marr is a delightful little girl, but— 

Jack, (turning to her — shortly) Miss Marr has 
promised to be my wife. 

Lady D. {making a quick movement from him) 
Jack ! ! ! (a long pause, daring ichich they stare at each 
other — then she continues in a loiv, constrained tone) 
And you allowed me to tell you all this ! How could 
you! {crosses down r.) 

Jack, {goes up l. and then doivn again) How could 
I ! I like tiiat ! How could I help it — don't worry, Lady 
Duncan. I know Billy and I know, too. that the man 
she marries has every right to be the proudest man in 
tlie world. ' 

Lady D. {sloicly and in a loio voice) Jack, what can 
I say — I'm more grieved than I can tell you. I merely 
repeated what I've just leai'ned from Jane^those letters. 

Jack, {scornfully, crossing to Lady D.) Letters — 
do you really suppose for one minute she wrote them? 
(up L. and down again) 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 31 

Lady D. (quickly) No, I don't suppose slie did. 
{meeting him c.) Oh, Jack, if Jane should try to talve 
you into her confidence and sliow tliem to you — don't let 
her. Oh, it's so difficult to explain what I mean — but 
keep out of it. Oh, I shall never forgive myself and I 
know j^ou can never forgive me — you tlie last iiia.n in 
the world who should liave heard of this. (crossi?ig to 
R. and sitting in arm-chair down r.) 

Jack. Pardon me, (crossing to her) the first man 
to hear of it. Poor old Billy — What a shame! (then al- 
-most fiercely turning to her) You don't mean to tell 
me that Mrs. Greaves — 

Lady D. 'Mrs. Greaves knows nothing — she's got the 
letters, but the signature conveys nothing and she 
doesn't recognise the writing! 

Jack. Well — what the — (then suddenly grasping 
the situation) Oh, I see, what you mean — you think 
you do recognise the writing. 

Lady D. (with an assumption of great distress) No, 
Jack, no, r?ally I don't. 

Jack. You must have or you wouldn't have said all 
you said just now. (Jack ^oulks quiclcly up and down) 

Lady D. 1 — well — I thought I did, but I see now how 
■wrong- I was. Oli Jack, don't tliink of tliis again — 
please don't let Jane consult you on the matter. Oh, I 
shall never forgive myself for my stupidity. 

Jack, (coming to c.) You didn.'t mention to Mrs. 
Greaves the fact that you thought you recognised the 
■writing. 

Lady D. (rising and coming to Jvck) Oh, Jack, how 
could you suppose I should be so mean as to give the 
poor child a\\av ! Of course no person, man or w 'Uian, 
who knows Billy could think for a moment there was 
OTie word of truth in this. And, Jack, 1 promise you 
I'll do my best to persuade Jane to go no further into 
the matter. 

Jack. Eh? 

Lady D. (looking at him with tenderness — sighs) 
Ah ! you'll never know — you'd never realise if yon did 
know how deeply sorry I "am to have said to you of all 
people what I inadvertently said just now. Is it too 
inucli to ask you to sliake hands and forgive me? (put- 
tin g out her hand to him) 

Jack, (shaking hands coldly) My dear Lady Dun- 
can, I suppose none of you ladies who laugh away each 
otlier's reputations mean any real harm. 

Lady D. Thank you. Jack, of course we don't, and 
this time I didn't really. Let's forget all about it and 
I — {crosbes L.) I'll go and get my hair waved wdth a clear 



32 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

conscience, (goes up steps and turns to him) You will 
try and forget my foolish tittle-tattle, won't you? 

Jacic. {quietly — k. c.) Yes. 

Lady D. Thank you, Jack, {she goes out into the 
house, meeting Jim to whom she sj^ieaks in passing. Goes 
above him this time) I'm bound to win. {exit L. H. 
Jack goes up c.) 

Jim. (speaking after her. Shortly) Oh, no, you're 
not. (comes down steps to l. c.) 

Jack. (c. to himself, fiercely) What cats some wo- 
men ai'e. Well, did you lind Miss Marr? (comes down 
a little) 

JiH. Yes, but as that ass Becher was there it was 
no good, so I've written her a note. I say, old man, 
give it to her for me, will you ? I can't wait, I'm off to 
town. (Jack takes it, Jim crosses to r. 2.) 

Jack. Sudden departure. (putting note in Ms 
pocket) 

Jim. (on terrace k. — tvith a gasp) 1 should think 
so. (starts to go) 

Jack. (c. looking at him enquiringly) Anything 
up? 

Jim. (putting his hand through his hair with a 
groan) Phew! rather! 

Jack. Can I be of any use? 

Jim. (on platform — tarns quickly) By Jove — that's 
not a bad idea. Yes — you might do me a devilish good 
turn. Will you? 

Jack. Of course I will. 

Jim. (returning to Jack r. c. eagerly) Well, look 
here, (he looks at his tvatch) Yes, I've just time to 
explain — you know I'm not saying anything against 
my wile — she's a jolly good sort and all that — 

Jack. She is — 

Jim. But — but — well, she's not so young as she was, 
I s'pose, and that makes her rather touchy on the sub- 
ject of — of — 

Jack, (quietly) Other ladies. 

Jim. Yes— and — well, look here, she— I'm hanged if 
I think she plays the game fairly, mind you I'm not say- 
ing a word against hei' — she's a jolly good sort. 

Jack. You said that before, v 

Jim. Well so she is — she's a jolly good sort — but—: 
but hang it, Jack, she shouldn't bribe my man Jenkins 
to get hold of my keys and go rummaging through all 
my old papers, should she? 

Jack. No, she shouldn't. 

Jim. She shouldn't — she's a jolly good sort and all 
that, but she shouldn't — well — she has — she's been at it 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 33 

now, and there's a devil of a row. She's found out some 
damned thing or other. I can't quite find out what — 
and — and — she's cut it off again you know. 

Jack, {very gravely) You don't say so! 

Jim. If I could only find out ivhat it is she's found 
out I might be able to tell her all about it — because she 
is a jolly good sort and all that; but if I don't know 
what it is she knows, how the devil can I stay and face 
it out, I can't — can I? {crossing to r.) So I'm off to 
town — when I run away — it seems to soften her a bit — 
beoanse siie's fond of nie, she really is, I know that well 
enough, and when she writes and says, come back and 
talk It over, of 'course I come back (o'usses back to 
Jack) as soon as I can, because I'm awfully fond of 
her in a way. she's such a jolly — {moves R. a little) 

Jack, {rather impatiently) Yes — yes — but what's 
the row about now? 

Jim. (coming back to Jack) Well — it's devilish dif- 
ficult for me to tell you. I — of course it's all about a 
woman. 

Jack, {grimly) Of course. 

Jim. I'm such a silly ass — you see. This woman — 
of course you understand it all happened before I was 
married — and of course just my luck — she's a great 
friend of my wife's — my wife's awfully fond of her and 
all that, she's such a jolly good sort, fond of everybody, 
and the devil of it is she is staying in the house now. 

Jack, {quickly) Who is? 

Jim. The — er — the lady! (Jack makes a movement 
of protest) Not my doing, on my honour. I'm flabber- 
gasted — bat what has uiy wife found out this afternoon 
— that's the point — what has she found out? You must 
find that for me — she is bound to confide in you — she 
thinks because you're going to be a clergyman you 
should be confided in. Then you write me — if she only 
knows a little I'll come back and confess to the little 
and it'll be all right; if she knows the lot — 

Jack, (after a, i:)ause) Was there a lot ? 

Jim. There was a good deal. 

Jack. How much? 

Jim. {with a nervous giggle) Well, p'raps I oughtn't 
to say. {looks at watch) By Jove I must bolt or I'll 
miss the train ! {goes vp on terrace— trims) The reason 
I'm bolting so quick is because I'm such an ass she 
might get me into a hole and worm it out of me. She's 
a jolly good sort and all that, of course, but she's 
a oner at worming, and I get flustered. Good-bye, old 
chap. Good — {he Jmrries out R. 2 E. Jack stands for 
a moment lost in thought — motionless — takes out en- 

3 



34 BILLYS LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

velope and looks at it, then puts it back quietly into his 
pocket) 

(Mrs. Greaves enters the drmoing-room in a great 
hurry. Rings bell, then fidgets all round the room — 
sees Jack standing c. quite motionless. She comes 
out to him.) 

Jane, (on steps, coming down) Oh, Jack, there you 
are — now don't go worrying and upsetting me, I've got 
sufficient worries and upsets of my own (moving up and 
down L. c) 

Jack, (a little astonished at the charge) Really! 
I've neither spoken nor moved. 

Jane, (down l. c.) Well — that's sufficient to agitate 
an old woman who's nerves as it is are all on the 
whizzle. 

Jack. I beg your pardon. 

Jane. Whizzle — whizzle. 

(Man enters from house L. 2 E.) 

Where's your master? 

Man. (on steps) I'm unaware, my lady. 

Jane. (l. c.) Catch him — and it you do — shut him 
in his room — don't let him escape you, he's as slippery 
as an eel. (Man &o»".s and e.rits L. 2 E.) There, look at 
that now — how can they respect their master when I 
say things like that. Poor dear — Oh, Jack, I'm a fool- 
ish woman, but that man's a wretch. I took him whea 
he hadn't a shoe to his back, I've dressed him — I've — 
I've — well I've done lots of foolish things. Never you 
mind, I've allowed him a thousand a year. I've — I've — - 
but mind you, I've cut it oflP — 

Jack, (c.) So I've been given to understand. 

Jane. Not a penny of my money goes into that flat. 
(goes doivn l.) 

Jack. What flat? 

Jane, (up to Jack c.) Victoria Street — who could 
believe it? Virtuous buses all down the middle — but 
flats on either side. Oh, Jack, I wish I'd jnarried you — 
You tend to holy thoughts and peace on earth — we'd 
have suited each other. I should never have found 
these in your bureau, (she waves a packet of papers) 
Love letters, Jack, love letters — from a preposterous per- 
son, with a preposterous name — and worse. Jack — worse 
— that establishment — that flat — under my nose, since 
he married me. Read it, read it. Can you wonder that 
my nerves are whizzling. Read it! 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 35 

Jack. (r. c.) I never read letters that are not meant 
lor me. 

Jane. (i.. c.) Don't you ? I do. You're going to be 
safely shut up in the church. I've got to wrestle along 
outside — so I do what I can to keep on top. Listen, 
" Dear Jimmy, please don't think I'm grumbling; as 
you propliesied the Hat will suit both our requirements 
to a T. But I don't agree with you about the ceiling 
paper in the pantry or the passage — we'll change them, 
it won't cost uiuch." And tlie preposterous epistle is 
signed " Wang." 

Jack, (with a gasp) What? 

Jane. Wang 'I said, Wang! That's the other love 
bird, Wang! 

Jack. Let me see. (he takes it and recognizes at 
once that it is Billy's tcriting — there is a pause) 

(Lady D. enters and goes to windoio.) 

Jane, (turning toicards house as indicating they are 
there) Lots more of 'em — only the others are all love 
and treacle — lots more of 'em. All Wangs — all in the 
same writing. Do you recognize it? 

Jack, (sloivly) No! (he gives her letter, she turns 
and sees Lady D. entering) 

(Sir Harry enters up steps R. 2 e.) 

Jane, (turning in Lady D. at unndoic) Oh. there 
you are. I've told him all about it as you advised. 

(Billy comes in qnicMy from dratcfng-room L. 2 down 
steps and crosses to Jack. Mrs. G. doicn l. to bench. 
JIrs. liF.RB.i'Na eiitt'vs and goes to cabini't. Lady Roop 
to above table, Miss Perrot to top of steps. Lady 
Fairleigh behind her.) 

Lady D. (in window) Oh, don't say that. 

BiLLY'. Oh, Jack, (softly) Jack, our little plan's 
upset. I had to tell Captain Becher — lie would pro- 
pose. 

Lady D. (l. c. watching Jack and Billy) Miss Marr 
looks as if she had had good news. 

Billy, (looking, laughing at Lady D.) I have. 
{then she tnims shyly to Jack) W^on't you tell them 
Jack? (Jack standing staring straight in front of him, 
his face set and stern) 

Lady D. And Mr. Frere as if he had liad bad. 

Billy, (distressed at the look on his face — holds out 



36 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

her hand to Mm) Jack — Oh Jack, (he turns and looks- 
at her — there is an awkward silence. Jack crosses 
Billy over to his right side) 

Jack, {suddenly tossing back his head — with a burst 
of laughter) 1 don't believe it. I love you, dear, {tlce 
Old Ladies are startled and, move to the two windows) 
I love you {he catches Billy in his arms and kisses 
her. ExcJ aviations of astonishment from every one. 
''Mr. Frere! Jack! Miss Marr!" Looking round 
rather abaslied) I beg your pardon. I only want to telL 
you Miss Marr has promised to be my wife. 

QUICK CURTAIN. 
END OF ACT I. 



ACT II. 



Scene. — A comfortably furnished room— half library, half 
smoking-room. Large fireplace R. , ivith- heavy oak man- 
tel to ceiling. On either side of it bookcases let into toall, 
also from floor to ceiling. At back of room long icin- 
dows, heavily curtained. Fender scat round fire. These 
windows open on to the terrace. 

Discovered. — Sir Henry Harmon lying r. c. in deep 
club chair, his feet on fender seat before fire, reading the 
" Globe." On small table beside him, cigars, ichiskey and 
soda, etc. After a jiause. Jack enters door L. 2 E. dis- 
consolately, sees Sir Henry. 

Jack, {gloomily) Hullo, {goes up to table L. gets 
cigarette, crosses to table R. and lights it) 

Sir H. {icithont looking up from his paper or taking his^ 
cigar out of liis mouth) Hullo. (Jack above table R.) 
Where's our host ? 

Jack, {not attending) "What? 

Sir H. Where's Jim ? 

Jack. Gone to town, then on to Paris. 

Sir H. Oh — more broils ? 

Jack. I suppose so. 

Sir H. Ah well, your turn'will come soon. 

Jack, {moving to beloio tdble \Ij.C. sits on edge of it) 
Wiiat d'ye mean? 

Sir H. I gather from your somewhat theatrical out- 
burst on the terrace tliis afternoon over Miss Marr's fringe 
net that you ultimately desired to marry the young lady. 

Jack. You were quite right. (Sir H. grunts. Jack 
comes to table near Sir H. and helps himself to a whiskey 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 37 

<ind soda. A pause) I don't suppose you ever were in 
love. 

Sir H. I don't suppose I ever was — have a look at the 
"Globe"? 

Jack. Hang the " Globe " ! 

Sir H. (calmly) Those tin mines weren't a rig after 
^11, you see. 

Jack. Weren't they ? 

Sir H. They weren't. (Pause) 

Jack. I suppose they all thought I was mad (taJces a 
'drink) 

Sir H. Eh? 

Jack. This afternoon. 

Sir H. It may have struck some of the more conven- 
tional present that it was not quite the usual metliod of 
announcing an engagement. 

Jack. I don't care, (moves to L. of table. This is the 
Jirst time Harry has looked at him. He turns his chair 
and does so here. 

Sir H. The fact that you have won the lady of your 
choice does not seem to have turned your spirits to the 
note of song — anything wrong ? 

Jack, (shortly) Yes. (sits L. of table) 

Sir H. What? 

Jack. Other people are such brutes. 

Sir H. Eh ! 

Jack. Especially other women. 

Sir H. (sinking back in his chair) "Let me recommend 
you to cling to the latter part of your statement all through 
your married life. It will preserve your wife from chloral. 

Jack, (rises, goes up to L. o/SiR Harry) Women can't 
be as bad as they try and make one believe. 

Sir H. Can't they ? I shouldn't trust 'em. Bah ! Don't 
talk about them. I'm prejudiced. I always believe the 
evil I hear of 'em and take tlie good with a grain of salt. 

Jack, (crosses to r., flinging himself into an arm-chair 
down R. H. Gravely.) There are some women you can't 
believe evil of. You wouldn't if you could. 

Sir H. " Wouldn't if you could ! " that frame of mind 
belongs to the " Knight in armour " period, not the analy- 
tical. 

Jack. Then for heaven's sake let's get back to the 
*' Knight in armour " period. I'm sicls; of all this backbiting 
and scandal and yow-yow. You're a damned good chap 
in other respects, but in this you're as bad as the rest. 
You're alwnys sneering at women. Men should be above 
that, (rises, crosses to cliair R. of table c.) 

Sir H. Of ci)U!se we should — but we aren't. It's a 
cultivation like other modern mannerisms. 

Jack, (sits) We believe tliat men are honourable. 



38 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

most of 'em — Why shouldn't we believe the same of women? 

Sir H, They make it practically imi^ossible for us. 

Jack. How do you mean ? 

Sir H. They tell us so much about each other. 

Jack, {rises and goes doivn L, then back) One shouldn't 
Taelieve what they tell one. 

Sir H. One doesn't — so one's faith in the majority of 
the women one listens to is at oiice destroyed. From your 
demeanour I gather that some fair lady in the course of 
conversation has been treading on your corns. 

Jack, (goes to Sir Harry) Infernally. 

Sir H. Lady Duncan, I suppose? 

Jack, {down to r. of table, sits) Indirectly — yes. Well 
now, look at her. What is a man to believe ? I thought 
she was one of tlie jolliest, manliest women I'd ever met. 

Sir H. Ali, the pink and yellow ones are very decep- 
tive, I've sampled them. 

Jack. Slie seemed such a good sort, seemed to see- 
things so straight tliat to-night, when Mrs. Herring told 
nie the things she had been saying about, about — 

Sir H. {still in arm-chair R. c, gently) About Miss 
Marr. 

Jack, {rising crossing to him) How did you know I 
was going to say Miss Marr ? 

Sir H. {looking at him gravely) I think I must have 
guessed it. 

Jack. Well, if she did say those things — she ought to 
be pole-axed. 

Sir H. Of course she ought. Most women of her age, 
views, experience and colour ought to be pole-axed regu- 
larly. 

Jack. Look here, have you ever heard her say untrue 
things about Miss Marr ? 

Sir H. I don't know about " untrue." I couldn't say. 

Jack, {angrily) Ever heard her say imfcmd things? 

Sir H. Oh, often ! 

Jack. Wicked things. 

Sir H. Heaps. 

Jack, {comes down L. stamping) I — I'd brand such 
women ! 

Sir H. Waste time. They do that for themselves. 

Jack, {crossing to R., bursting into an angry laugh and 
flinging himself into the arm-chair again, down R. ) But 
after all, what does it matter — who ever paid any atten"' 
tion to Lady Dunr'an ? 

Sir H. Lots of men during her husband's lifetime. 

Jack. Tliat's not the sort of attention I meant. 

Sir H. It's the only sort she cares about — and poor dear, 
it gets annually more difficult to obtain. Her life's been a. 
bit of a failure. 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 39 

Jack. I don't pity her. 

Sir H. She does pity you — you've fallen in love with 
some one else, {there's a pause. Jack puts his head hack 
and stares at the ceiling) 

Jack, {suddenhj) What have you heard her .say about 
Jim and Miss Jlarr ? 

Sir H. I never said I'd heard her say anything about 
Jim and Miss Marr. 

Jack. Oh, don't talk rot. (rising and sits on fender 
facing Sir H.) She did say things about Jim and Mis.s 
Marr, didn't she. 

Sir H. Well, as a matter of fact she did. 

Jack. To-night ? 

Sir H. Oh, not quite so recently. I think two days 
have elapsed since she convinced me of the iniquity of any- 
body. 

Jack, (bitterly) Well, she'll have plenty to talk about 
now. 

Sir II. You don't mean to say Miss Marr has given her 
anything definite to lay hold of ? 

Jack. I — I'm afraid slie has. 

Sir H. (sitting up) Jack ! 

Jack. Thej-e's nothing in it of course — we who know 
Billy know that, but these devils of women put two and 
two together and make it 202. (rises and throics away 
cigarette) 

Sir H. (slowly — chewing end of cigar) Jim's bolted to 
Paris. 

Jack. Yes, the fool. 

Sir H. Did he by any chance tell you his -reason for 
bolting ? 

Jack. Yes — in confidence. 

Sir H. So lie did me — in confidence. He told us both, so 
I shan't respect the confidence ; let's tell each other. 

Jack.. Wliat did lie tell you? 

Sir H. (slowly — still chewing his cigar) He told me his 
wife had found out sometliing about himself and a certain 
lady — lie mentioned no names — I gatiiered his wife can't 
identify the lady — but Jim let fall she was a visitor in the 
house at present — which is odd — and master Jim, dreading, 
lest under wifely cross-examination, he should betray tlie 
lady's identity, bolts — till the storm blows over. 

Jack. Yes — that's pretty much what he told me. (a 
pause) It's no good beating about the bush. Lady Dun- 
can has been confided in by Mrs. Greaves and thinks slie 
knows the lady. 

Sir H. That I also gathered ; she was spreading a thinly 
veiled version of the story before dinner. I'm sorry now I 
didn't stop to listen. 

Jack, (horrified) She's spreading it already 1 



40 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

Sir H. What's the proverb? " Chat while the scandal's 
hot." Oh, it will be pretty useful for the lady. 

Jack. It's damnable — perfectly damnable ! {crosses to 
R. of table — sits) 

Sir H. (quickly) Can she make much of the story ? 

Jack. For once ; she need have no limit. Oh ! If one 
could only get at the truth — it would be as clear as day- 
light. 

Sir H. Of course it would. "What's the old woman got 
hold of? 

Jack. A bundle of old love letters ! 

Sir H. But old love-letters, not since the marriage. 

Jack, (slowly) One of 'em I can't quite make out, re- 
fers to the occupation of a fiat in Victoria Street — since the 
marriage. (Sir H. gives a long lohistle. Rises and goes to 
Sir H. — bursts out) What the devil do you mean by that ? 
She and her mother must have taken on tlie end of Jim's 
lease, (moves c. a little) Oh, Harry, I'm so damned 
miserable. 

Sir H. (staring at him in surprise) But you don't 
believe — 

Jack. Believe — God forbid — but if these women won't 
be convinced, what's to be done then ? It's damnable — (to 
ivindoiv, looks out) Slie's the truest, sweetest, honest^st 
little girl that ever breathed, and if any one dares to think 
these lies are true, I'll — I'll — (in his anger he bangs the 
table until his fist, rattling glasses) 

Sir H. (quietly) You'll upset the glasses ? (Jack doum 
L. and back) Don't plunge about like that. Sit down, old 
man, and let's see exactl}^ what's happened. 

Jack, (fiercely turning on him) Nothing ever did hap- 
pen — you may take your oath on that. Harry — you've 
seen her — you've looked into her eyes — you've talked to 
her — you don't believe — (leaning on backofSiK II. 's chair. 

Sir H. Believe that Billy Marr — (he stops) I'm not 
quite a fool. 

Jack, (heartily) Thanks, old man — (shakes hands ivith 
Harry across back of chair) 

Sir H. (holding his hand — after apause) Doyouknbw 
what I should do if I were you ? 

Jack. Wliat ? 

Sir H. I should go to her — tell her all j^ou've heard, and, 
as her future husband, claim the right to clear the matter 
up. 

Jack. She might think I doubted her. 

Sir H. Convince her you don't doubt her, but unless 
you know what the truth is how can you let other people 
know it? 

Jack. But — but — oh — it would break her heart to know- 
such things are being said of her. 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 4,1 

Sir H. You'll have to risk that. Better a broken heart 
■{releases hand and goes to chair R. of table) than a broken 
Teputation. My dear Jack, it's the wisest course. Go to 
her — tell her all about it — get her to explain it to you now, 
once and for all, aud then you can talk to anybody that 
has anything to say on the subject. 

Jack, (c.) I will, by gad, you're right, {to Sir H.) 
I'll tell her all about it and — {doiim L. A pause, he thinks it 
over then breaks out excitedly) By gad, you're quite right ! 
{goes iijj) I'll go and talk it over with her quickly (starts 
for door L. 2 E. ) and we'll shut the mouths of those beasts 
before they've had time to open tliem. 

Sir H. The young generation is previous. 

Jack, {pausing thouglitfully at door — hand on knob — 
turns a little glumly to Sir H.) I say, you know — it — it 
isn't as easy as it sounds — liow on earth shall I begin? 

Sir H. Ah — um — yes — It is a little awkward. 

Jack. {returning — comic hesitation — anxiously) Er ! 
can't j'ou give me a sort of lead — just the opening part ? I 
think I sliall be all right when I've once started — {comes 
sloidy back to c. — crosses back to table) 

Sir H. {with a gliost of a smile hovering on his lips — 
closes liis eyes and says, thouglitfully) Well! I should, 
just ascertain that she is sitting somewhere in a room quite 
alone. 

Jack, (c.) Now is it likely that Billy would ever sit 
anywliere alone? 

Sir H. It must be arranged — better .begin by drowning 
Becher. 

Jack. Oh, be serious. 

Sir H. {continuing very gravely) Tiien when you've 
found her in tlie room quite by heiseh'" — enter gravely — 
and pause — then without a word turn and solemnly close 
the door — that will tell her at once that something's in the 
wind. 

Jack. Yes, I thinli that's good — (draus chair R. of 
table to Sir H. sits in it) Go on — 

Sir H. Then cross to fireplace — cough — put your hands 
beliind your bnck and say — er — er — my dear Miss Marr — 

Jack, {rising and replacing chair, leaning on back of 
it) You're an ass, HaiTj'. Oh, I wish it wasn't sodifificult 
— I suppose it's because I'd lay down my life for her that 
I — I can't say things I mean to her. 

Sir H. Wait till you've been married a year or so — 
you'll chatter prettv freely to iier tlien. 

Jack, (goes to chair in ivhich Harry is seated, leans on 
back, of it) Oh. VjIoss lier. I hope so. {then cntMisiastically 
to llxv.UY— hands on back of chair) Harry, won't it be 
splendid when we're married ? 

Sir H. {very seriously nodding his head) It will be 



42 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. ' 

absolutely marvellous I Nothing like it since the world 
began. 

Jack. You think you're chaffing me, but you're talk- 
ing truth — there'll be nothing like it since the world began. 
I'm jolly glad I told you about everytliing, old man. 
You've been a lot of good to me. {giving hand to Sir H., 
who takes it. There's a light tap at the iiiindow at hack 
L. c. Three taps — Jack, Sir H., staccato movement with, 
same) 

Sir H. Wliat's that? (a pause) 

Jack. Some one at the window, {moving to C. looTcing 
at unndoiv L. c, they pause again listening. Then the 
three taps are heard again, and Jack goes itp, flinging hack 
curtains, peek's out on to terrace) 

Sir H. Any one there ? 

Jack. Can't see. {he opens the long ivindows. Tliere's 
a light hurst of laughter, and with a shout of "■Billy" 
Jack catches her by the arm andpidls her into the window) 
Got you ! Miss Madcap ! 

Sir H. By Jove, you are shy. 

Jack. I am, this is mere bravado. Come in, come in. 
(Sir H. is about to rise) 

Billy, {imperiously — still in loindoio) If you get an 
inch out of that comfortable chair. Sir Harry, I shan't 
come in. 

Sir H. Then I don't stir, {sits again— facing them) 

Billy, {coming into room — to c.) Jack dear, I know I 
shouldn't be here, but I heard your voice and I saw through 
the cliink you were only with Sir Harry — I wanted you to 
see this, (she hands him a note) 

Jack. (r. c. — looking at it) The note Jim left for you. 

Billy. Yes, read it. {he reads it, then looks at her 
astonished) Isn't it funny? 

Jack, (gravely) Very funny ; may I keep it ? 

Billy. Of course. 

Jack. May I read it to Sir Harry ? 

Billy. If you like, {moves doxon c. l. of table l. c. and 
sits L. of it) 

Jack, (reads — over to Sir H. r. c.) " Dear Billy, Lady 
Duncan's got her knife into you — watch her — she means 
miscliief — sliow this to Jack if j'ou like. I'm off to Paris 
on important business. Youi's, Jim." 

Sir H. {whistles) Rum ! ' v 

Jack. Very rum. 

Billy. Verj' — very rum — she's been so nice to me this 
evening — (a pause — they all look at each other — then Billy 
suddenly rising) Well — well I must go — or I shall be 
talked about by those sweet old women. You don't get 
away into a corner and wallow in every little bit of talk 
you hear, do you ? 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 43 

Sir H. (Jack and Sir H. exchange guilty looks) Cer-; 
tainly not. 

Billy. I must go {moves up a little) 

Jack, (c.) Oh, wait two minutes. 

Billy, (hesitates, then casts a tender little glance at, 
Jack) Well, put your feet back on that ledge. Sir Harry,' 
I'm sure they were there before I tapped, weren't they,^ 
Jack. 

Jack, (c.) They were certainly there. 

Billy, Put 'em up. Sir Harry. 

Sir H. Up they go. {he puts his feet back on the fen- 
der seat) 

Billy. Now take a sip at your whiskey and soda, and 
on these conditions I'll stay here for two minutes. Which 
is your chair, Jack. 

Jack, (c.) I wasn't sitting. I — I was walking up and 
down. 

Billy, {leaning on R. edge of table L. c. ivith mock dis- 
viay) Oh, Jack, don't tell me you're of a serious turn of, 
mind in the smoking-room. 

Jack. Not often — but — but — but one's got to think 
about things sometimes. 

Billy. Of course one has. I think it's very good for 
one to have a good go in at oneself, ojdy you shouldn't 
walk up and down, that weakens the goodness 

Jack, (c.) What should one do? 

Billy. One should find out the coldest room in the 
house and the one with the ugliest paper, and then one 
should take one's chair like this, {she takes chair froniR. 
of table tqj c. to t lie wall and sits facing it, her knees almost 
touching it — Jack folloios her up and stands R. of her) 
And one should get right up against the pattern like this, 
and then one should start thinking how awful one is and 
what a pity it is tliat it's quite impossible to be any nicer 
than you are. Then when you've thought that well over 
and quite realised that you can't be nicer than you are, 
you feol a little better and }'ou can come away from the 
ugly pattern and go and look at yourself in the glass. 
{turns chair to L. and kneels on it, leaning over back of it 
to Jack. Sir H. had been writing loith his pencil on the 
margin of the " Globe ") 

Sir H. {rising) I wonder how many words you use 
in tlie course of the week, young woman? 

Billy, {coming down tvith Jack) Do I talk too much ? 
I'm so sorry. 

Sir H. Not a bit— (ca//s Jack— hands the "Globe" to 
him — Billy takes it but does not look at it) That's the 
account I told you about. 

Jack. (r. c.—bkmkly) What account? 

Sir H. You know — at dinner — ahem ! If you two will 



44 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AI F>JR. 

■excuse me I'm off to the terrace for a breatli of fresh air. 
(crosses up L., Jack is quite unconscious that Sir H. has 
written anything on the " Olobe " Sir H. at window L.) 

Billy.. (c. cheerfully) Sir Harr3% you've been writing 
sometliing impertinent about me. How dare you ! (Sir 
H. motions Jack to get the paper. She reads the lines and 
at once her ii-hole manner changes. Qaietly) Wliat's this ? 
Don't go, Sir Harry. (SiR H. stops axvkwardly at icindoio 
L. c. and is greatly embarrassed — t^Hes to attract Jack's 
attention — who moves r. a little. Reads aloud, very 
quietly though jiTmly) " I'll clear ovit. Get her to explain 
everything once for all, better too soon than too late." 
{there is a fearful pause, she turns and stares at Sir H.) 
You wrote this on the margin just now ? 

Sir H. (coming doum) I did. 

Billy, (turning ivith iiihite face to Jack) Jack, what 
is it you wish me to explain ? 

Jack, (very much distressed and at a loss what to say) 
Nothing, Billy. 

Billy. Tlien what does Sir Harrj' mean ? 

Jack. (r. ) I — I don't know — at least I — I do know. 

Billy, (with a little sliake in her voice) Then you 
were discussing me when I came in ? 

Jack. No — no, not discussing — Oh, Billy, don't look 
lilve that. This is all it was. Look here — we — we've heard 
a certain story and — (then quickly) we don't believe it, of 
course, but — but if ever it got generally known it would be 
beastly for you — and I — we — well, we were trying if there 
was any way of stopping it going the round of those old 
women. 

Billy, (reads again quietly) " Get her to explain 
everything, once for all. Better too soon than too late." 
(looks at Sir H., l.) 

Sir H. I assure you, you put the wrong construction 
on those words. 

Billy, (drops paper on table L.c. upper side. — In a hard 
voice looking at Jack) What have I to explain once for 
all? 

Jack. (r. C.) Nothing whatever really, only we, at 
least I was turning the thing over with Harry to see if we 
couldn't do something, and. we came to the conclusion 
I'd better go straight to you. and find out all tlie facts — 
don't look so angry, Billy, soinething has to be done, 
really. 

Billy, (c. quietly) You're quite right, something has 
to be done, and ifs very simple, (she takes off the ring 
Jack gave her and jmts it on table L. c.) Thank j'ou, Mr. 
Frere. (exclamatioa from both as ring comes down. 
Tlien scornfully, quoting his icords of the afternoon) 
*' No man who really loved a woman would allow for a 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 45 

moment that anything she did could admit of discussion, 
least of all with other men in the smoking-room." 

Jack. Oh, my dear girl, do listen — 

Billy, (waving him back from her, laughs a little sadly) 
I have — j^ou've made some marvellous discovery about me 
— I've made anotlier about you. It's a very good thing 
after all — much better too soon than too late, (she moves 
toivards door — crossing in front of table to L. Harry" 
down L. ) 

Jack, (crosses above table — getting between her and the 
door — deeply distressed tries to detain her) Billy — Billy — 

Billy. Let me go, if you jjlease. (Jack falls back a 
step — tvith great dignity she 2}<^>sses beticeen the tico men 
and out of the room. Jack tries to follow her — Sir H. 
detains him) 

Sir H. (I'ery much upset — turns to Jack) My dear chap — 

Jack. Oh, go to the devil ! 

Sir H. (firmly) Don't go after her now. It's no good 
talking to a woman when she's in a temper. Sit down. 
(Sir H. forces him into a chair. L. of table L. c. putting^ 
him across in front of himself) 

Jack, (frying to free himself from the detaining hands} 
Sit down be damned — let me go to her — 

Sir H. Wait un honr — she wants to cry it off — wait till 
she has — tliey can listen to reason then — 

Jack, (trying to rise) But I won't have her cry — why 
should she cry ? 

Sir II. (pushing him back) Because slie's a woman, be- 
cause she loves, because she think? you're a cad. 

Jack, (rising and taking stage— to R. front of table) I 
am a cad. I'm an infernal cad and it's all your fault. 
(Harry says ' ' TT7ia^ f " Coming up to table) What do you 
mean by your idiotic scribbles on the " Globe ? " Why in 
Heaven's name couldn't you have held j'our tongue? (c. ) 

Sir H. (L. c— speaking across table) How was I to 
know you'were going to be such a juggins as to let her get it ? 

Jack. How tlie devil was I to prevent her when I didn't 
know it was there ? 

Sir H. I made a signal. 

Jack. Signal be — she saw it, I didn't. Oh, of all the 
blundei'headed — (tiirns away) Look here — if — {turns 
back) 

Sir H. (l. of table) It'll blow over. 

Jack, {across table) "Blow over." (Sir H. sits) 
What difference does it make to you if it blows over or 
not? "Blow over" — suppose it doesn't blow over, what 
then — suppose she goes and — and gets engaged to some- 
body else — what then ? Suppose that fellow Becher comes 
along again? "Blow over!" What the devil do you 
carry a pencil for if you can't conti'ol it ! (down R.) O 



46 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

course she's furious — she's every right to be furious. I 
couldn't blame her if she married anybody at all after your 
behavior to-night {up to table) "Get her to explain 
everything once for all" indeed — when all night I've been 
cramming it down your throat that there was nothing on 
earth to explain — Oh ! go to blazes you and your " blow 
over ! '" (goes up c. ) 

Sir H. (crosses to R. of table — banging it) But my dear 
chap — 

Jack. (l. of table — also banging it) I tell you that 
girl's the sweetest, best heartedest, honestest girl in Eng- 
land. I don't care if she wrote fifty letters to Jim — I'd 
swear they didn't mean anything but high spirits and — 
and — going for the laughter and glory of life wherever it 
was to be found. I'll tell her all about it and beg her 
pardon. (Harry takes r. up stage. He dashes out L. 2 E. 
Mrs. Greaves screams) 

Jack, (off) Beg pardon — didn't see you. 

Mrs. G. (off) Didn't see — you nearly pushed me over ! 

(77)6 doors are flung open and Mrs. Greaves, with reticule 
and letters, enters followed by Lady Duncan l. 2 e.) 

Mrs. G. (to c. panting vigorously) He's positively 
banged the breath out of my body. 

Lady D. (l. h.) But — my dear Jane — 

Mrs. G. Oh, my dear, do not keep saying " My dear 
Jane " it gets into my pulse, (puts reticule on table) 
Where's the lawj-er man — (uj) c. looking about room — 
Harry moves doum R. c. Lady D. stands L. of table) 
bai'rister, I mean, I beg his — Oh, there you are, Sir Harry. 
You'll excuse me taking up your valuable time, you never 
do anything but smoke, so don't say you won't excuse me, 
for I'm going to. Lady D. told me to tell Jack all about it. 
Sorry I did. He was no good — he's much too tender to 
criminals, so he sliould be I s'pose with tlie church looking 
before him — but you're the law, and he's the church, and 
if tlie pair of you can't riglit me I'm in a bad way. 

Sir H. (r. c. a little taken aback) Do you wish — ? 

Mrs. G. (C. interrupts) Yes, I do. I'm going to dis- 
cuss my troubles — it's the only thing I think worth discus- 
sion just nov^i. You're all here feeding on tlie fat of the 
land — my land — and all I say to you is to take a little 
interest in me. 

Sir H. (a little offended) My dear Mrs. Greaves — 

Mrs. G. (waving her hands) Oh, I know, I'm sorry^-I 
shouldn't say that. I don't mean it, but you'll help me 
(toioards him a little) like a good fellow, won't you ? An 
old woman feels lonely — and besides it's good for you. Sir 
Harry, it may teach you if ever you get a foolish old 
woman to marry you — to be a little kind to her sometimes 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 47 

and not go " wanging " all over the place at eveiy op- 
portunit.y. Where are my papers ? Oh, here — (sJie Jias a 
large reticule. Site brings chair fortcard from back of table 
■ — sits — opentibag atid takes oat pajwrs — puts bag on floor) 

Sir H. (r. down stage) But I fear I'm rather out of 
place — (Lady D. at back of table L. c.) 

Mrs. G. No, you're not — you were a barrister before 
your poor aunt's money made a man of you. You just sit 
down and listen to me. (Sir H. sits in arm-chair bdowfire. 
Jack bursts in hurriedly L. 2 E. sjjeuks before seeing xromen) 

Jack. She's locked herself in — {he sees them and stojis 
confused) Hullo ! 

Mrs. G. Who's locked herself in — where? 

Jack, (lamely) Er — Mrs. Herring. 

Mrs. G. Ah, she's been overeating again, poor dear. 
Now for it ! Jack, sit where I can see you. {indicating 
sofa down L.) It helps me to control my language. 

Lady D. {at back of table L. c. loho has been iratching 
them, says ivith an air of great smpiHse) Surely this is 
Miss Marr's engagement ring — she showed it to me at 
dinner, (a pause — she has taken it from the table ichere 
BliXY placed it and holds it up) 

Jack. (l. quickly taking it from her) By Jove, yes. I 
must put that in my pocket. I've got to have it made 
smaller. What was the shop I was ordered to go to, 
Harry ? 

Sir H. {rising rather nonplused for the moment) Oh, 
that place in Bond Street, you know. , 

Jack, (cheerfully) That's the place — what, is the fel- 
low's name ? 

Lady D. (c. — suggesting smiling) Charbonnel and 
Walker's. 

Jack. That's the chap. 

Lady D. (witli a smile) Their chocolate is the best in 
London, (look betiveen Jack and Harry, then, she bfcomes 
very curious and going to Jack says tohim softly, ivith great 
concern, Sir H. sits again lower R. c.) Oh, Jack, this isn't 
because of what I said to-day? Oh, don't let her past spoil 
her future. (Jack begins to speak) Hush 

Mrs. G. (r. of table. Lady D. comes to L. of table and sits, 
Jack itp r. c.) Now, Lady Duncan, I'm nearly ready for 'em. 
I'm sure you needn't stay here, my dear. I've got all I can 
out of you and if I've told you once, I've told you twenty 
times I hate females to mix 'emselves up in my troubles. 
(Jack moves up c.) A man or two's a help, but women 
have no staying power, they chuck you just when you want 
to rely on 'em. You want to see the rest of the letters. 
(Jack comes doion back of table) Don't scowl. Jack. I've 
showed her lots. She thought she recognised the writing 
but couldn't put a name to it, so I'm going to show her all 



48 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

to jog her memory. Here's a harmless one for a wonder — 
only a tennis party. 

Jack, (back of table and speaking very earnestly) Mrs. 
Greaves, you took me into your confidence against my will ; 
surel}"- this story will be better discussed, if discussion is 
essential, quite between ourselves. 

Mrs. G. Not at all — no hole-and-corner business for me. 
Not at all. I'm going to let all my friends and my lius- 
band's friends know how badly I'm being treated. Have 
a jolly good flare and when the flare burns out say no more 
about it. 

Lady D. (touchiiig Jack's arm) Oh, Jack, you might 
trust me a little ! 

Mrs. G. Give her the letter, Jack, it isn't a glu-glu 
one. (slie hands the letter to Jack, who hands it on to Lady 
D. Jack goes doivn l. She glances at it. Anxiously to^ 
Lady D.) Recognise that one ? (a pause) 

Lady I), (slie looks at Jack, sadly returning the letter) 
No ! (Jack down l. sits on sofa) 

Mrs. G. (iiiith a snort) Then I must fall back on the 
law. Now then, Sir Harry, this is my case. I heard this 
afternoon that my husband, prior to his marriage with me, 
had a flat in 138 Victoria Street where he — well — enter- 
tained a Wang. 

Sir H. (sometvhat astonished) I beg your pardon. 

Mrs. G. (Urmly) A female by the name of Wang. Oh^ 
I've got all her letters. 

Sir H. But prior to your marriage 

Mrs. G. Most of 'em — not all, as I tell you there's one 
later — objecting to the wall paper in the pantry and find- 
ing fault with the ceiling, just as if slie was his lawful 
wife, and that's a Wang as well — isn't that a proof ? (en- 
ter Butler l. 2 e. closes door. Mrs. G. sits up angrily 
and faces him) Oh, my gracious — can't I be sacred in the 
smoking room ? What is it ? 

Butler. Miss Marr's compliments, ma'am, and are you 
likely to be disengaged soon ? She would like particularly 
to speak to you. 

Mrs. G. Tell Miss Marr to come in to me here. I can't 
say how long I'll be before I'm out of this. 

Butler. And the person has arrived, ma'am, in answer 
to your telegram, and wants to know when you'd be pleased 
to see him. ' x 

Mrs. G. Arrived! has he? Show him here, when I 
ring — show him here, {exit Butler l. 3 E. shuts door) 
Sir Harry, j^ou'll stand by me. Jack too. Now we'll get 
at the truth of tilings. 

Jack. (l. of sofa anxiously — rises) What person has 
arrived ? 

Mrs. G. Sit down. Church. (Jack reseats himself)- 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 49 

Don't let the cigar out. Law. (SiR Harry pif^s quickly 
seated u.) I'll sliosv tliat husband of mine that when I 
make np my mind to find out a thing, I find it out. 

Jack. What have you done now ? 

Mrs. G. I've fovmd out the way, and I've got my thumb 
on tiie hussy (Lady D. rises and goes to table) that shared 
that flat with Jim as surely as my name's Jane Greaves. 
(Lady D., jACKa??dSiRH. allbetray their interest, '' Hoio ? 
How ? " Harry and Jack half rise) Oh , I've got my bomb- 
shell for Master Jimmy and his Wang. Ring the bell. Sir 
Harry, we'll have it in. (picks up bag) 

(Billy enters l. 2 e. Leaves door open and comes quietly 
to Mrs. G. Sir H. rings bell R. n. Lady D. goes np to 
windoiv L. ) 

Billy, {pointedly avoiding noticing Jack's pleading 
glanced. He rises on her entrance, she crosses to table L. c. 
L. of it) I'm so sorry to bother you, Mrs. Gi'eaves, wlien 
you're so busy, but I've just had a letter from mamma. 
She — she's very ill — she wants me to go to her. 

Mrs. G. My dear ! Nut serious ? (Jack sits again) 

Billy. Oh no, but — it — it's lonely for her to be ill 
amongst all tliose friends in Paris — so I thought I'd better 
go. I'd like to go to-night, I could catch the ten express. 
(Jack never takes his eyes of Billy) 

Mrs. G. Of course — what you think best, child. 

Billy, (flushing) But — but it — it's this — that I want 
to speak to you about, it's awfully awkward, but— but I 
can't go — I — I've no money at all — not a sixpence. My al- 
lowance is a week overdue. They must have forgotten to 
send it. Will you 

Mrs. G. (breaking in impidsively) Lend you twenty, 
my dear ? Of course. Wisii it were a hundred, (takes 
notes out of bag) 

Billy. Oli no, five will be heaps, really. I thought I 
should have had some to-day but — 

Butler, (announcing) Mr. Hagson ! (Lady Duncan 
starts in horror) 

Lady D. Hagson ! (Jack loatches her) 

Mrs. G. (putting notes on table — proudly) My bomb- 
shell ! He valeted Jim in the flat, and if he can't describe 
the lady I'll eat my head. (Lady D. looks hurriedly round 
theroouifo door L. 2 E., moves toioards it, then loith sudden 
resolution siveeps round to Billy. Lady D. makes tip Iter 
mind quickly, pids her arm round Billy's waist and say- 
ing siveetly) 

Lady D. Come, dear ! (she turns with her and umlks 
her up c. back of table to the back, by window R. c. Jack 
watches her keenly, an idea of the truth beginning to dawn 
on him . Jack moves up l. c. to back of table) 
4 



50 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

Mrs. G. (fluttering %nth importance) Now then ! 
Order I {puts hag doum on floor) Sir Harry, mind you take 
your notes of tliis conversation. Jack, look as like the 
church as you can to keep him off lies and perjury. 

Sir H. {half-rising) But my dear Mrs. Greaves 

Mrs. G. Oh, I'm past butting. Sir Harry. (Hagson 
enters Jj. 2. E.) I'm going through with this, {she pulls 
. at her lace and gets herself i-eady for the fray, then says 
with icy grandeur) Good evening, Mr. Hagson ! 

Hag. (l. c. — who is a very respectable looking man- 
servant, hut ohviously very nervous and ill at ease) Good 
evening, ma'am. 

Mrs. G. {aside to Jack loho is back of table) Jack, 
apologise for me, I said good-evening to the prisoner, I 
mean the witness. But there, he looks the sort of man 
who should be both. (Jack goes down to sofa and sits. 
Then sJie adojits the tone of a brow-beating cross-ex- 
aminer) Now then, Mr. Hagson — (Hagson moves towards 
her, Butler exits, closing door) I know all about you from 
your sister-iu-law, who was Lady Roop's housekeepQi-. 
Don't twiddle your hat, stand on both legs, and control 
yourself. Where were you in 1901. 

Hag. Beg pardon, ma'am ! 

Mrs. G. Don't hedge — I know ! You valeted Mr. James 
Greaves while he occupied a flat three doors off an Aerated 
Bread shop in Victoria Street. 

Hag. {after a pause) Yes'm. 

Mrs. That flat was also occupied by a 

Hag. {quickly) Oh no, mum ! 

Mrs. G. {j)ointing to Jack. Hagson turns and looks 
at Jack) This gentleman's going into the church. Don't 
lie or perjure. Keep your eye on him, and think you've 
kissed the book. Noiv (Hag. turns hack toivards Jane) 
for what sum of money do you think j'ou could remember 
this lady's name? 

Hag. {getting very perplexed) Well — mum 

Mrs. G. Do you think you could do it for ten pounds ? 

Hag. No, mum. 

Mrs. G. Twenty pounds ? 

Hag. No, mum ! 

Mrs. G. Fifty pounds ? . 

Hag. {passes his hand acrossliis forehead in great dis- 
tress) Well, mum 

Mrs. G. Well, sir 

Hag. {^vith a gidp) Don't seem as if I could call to 
mind the name, mum. 

Mrs. G. Could you describe her for fifty pounds? 

Hag. {rather quickly, much perplexed) Well, as to 
describing 

Mrs. G. Do it ! The money's yours. {A pause — Lady 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 51 

D. and Billy still at back in alcove. Before he can speak. 
Lady D. turns swiftly from alcove, and walks boldly down 
C. still until her ana round Billy and loolcUig Hag. 
straight in the eye says) 

Lady D. But, dear Mrs. Greaves, if the man knows the 
lady and went to her, it might be worth much more to liim 
to hold his tongue, (both Jack and Sir H. are ivatclihii] 
Lady D. ivith great intentness) 

Mrs. G. Tliat's tlie worst of females, they will chip in. 
Here's your fifty pounds. Wliat was she like ? (Lady D. 
and Billy both stare at Hag. Billy because she doesn't 
knoio ivhat it's all about. Lady D. because she daren't lose 
his eye) 

Hag. (icith a sudden burst) I couldn't rightly say, 
tliem sort is mostly fair or dark or different — tliey varies. 
I don't remember, 

Mrs. G. (rising and leaning across table) I'll give 
you a hundred for her naine. 

Hag. [after a long pause) I forget it. 

]}.Irs. G. For her description ! 

Hag. {looking at Lady D.) No good. I shouldn't 
know her if I saw her right before my eyes. (SiR H. rises, 
Mrs. G. sinks back in chair) 

Lady D. {unth a sigh of relief ,u-hich she turns into a 
light laugh) I tliink your husband may congratulate him- 
self on his late valet (a pause. Lady D. and Billy up 
stage c. ) • ' 

Sir H. Shall I ring, Mrs. Greaves ? 

Mrs. G. {Hinging herself back in the chair) Ring — ring ! 
Yes. Wring his neck — and — send him to the kitchen for 
some soup. (Jack rises and moves up, making motions to 
Hag. to go. Hag. at door L. bou-s all round) 

Hag. Good evening, gentlemen. Good evening, ladies. 
Good evening, mum. 

Mrs. G. {hercely) Rats, man, rats ! I'll send you the 
cheque for coming in the morning, {exit Hag. solemnly 
L. 2. E.) 

Lady D. {up r. c. very soothingly) Oh, Jane, you see, 
■what use is it trying to find out ? It's past. Let it remain 
past. Don't you think so. Miss Marr ? 

Billy, (r. of Lady D. ) I haven't an idea what you're 
all talking about, {she goes up c. ) 

Lady D. {with a lift of her eyebrows) Oh, I thought 
you'd guess, {up c. and to window L. c. Jack moves 
dou-n L. to sofa, back to audience) 

Mrs. G. (Jack down l. h. again) Refuses a hundred ! 
Is the man made of money? I — I'll give him a day to 
sleep on it, and I'll offer him five hundred pounds, but the 
truth I'll liave if it costs me a thousand, {she puts let- 
ters, etc., back in bag) He'll be sorry he refused a hundred 



52 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

in the morning, and he'll write nie a letter making an 
offer. I'll wait. No good tlirowing good money after a 
bad husband, is it? (rising) Mr. Lawyer, barrister, Sir 
Harry ? Well, there — you want five pounds, my dear, to 
turn to more pleasant things. (Mrs. G. crosses to l, of 
table — Lady D. comes down slowly) 

Billy, (to r. of table) It's awfully good of you, Mrs. 
Greaves. (Jane takes hank-note from jjortemonnaie and 
gives Billy one during the following. Billy goes doion R. 
Mrs. G. sits l. of table and takes out letters again) 

Lady D. {loho has gradually become conscious of Jack's 
keen scrutiny of tier — goes to him, lohispers inquiringly) I 
■was right, Jack, wasn't I ? It was no good allowing the 
wretch to speak. 

Jack, (doivnh. r. looking at her steadily) I'm not quite 
so sure of that, (then under his breath — sternly) You 
knew Mr. Hagson — where have you met befoi'e? {she 
looks at him for an instant, then laughs a little) 

Lady D. You're a very odd young fellow, Mr. Fiere. 
{she turns from him up L. c. — he watches her for a moment, 
then goes to Billy, holding out his hand) 

Jack, (crosses to c. front of table) You're not angry 
with me still, are you, I3illy? 

Billy, (u. c. drawing herself tip — haughtily) Only my 
friends call me Billy, Mr. Frere. 

Jack. (c. — softly) How tired you must be of hearing 
the name, (she turns her back on him unth a disdainfid sniff 
— to R. Sits in lower arm-chair. Sir H. tries to pacify ho) 

Mrs. G. (seated L. of table. Who had been regaling 
herself with bits of the various letters tJiat are on the table 
— suddenly snorts) Here, Jack, you've been veiy good at 
explaining these letters away. — What do you make of this ? 

Jack. (c. turns on her almost fiercely) For heaven's 
sake don't read it now. 

Mrs. G. (astonished) Why not? 

Jack, (across table) I — I have a reason. 

Mrs. G. Wliat reason ? 

Jack, (quickly trying to restrain her — and casting an 
anxious look at Billy) I'll tell you iafterwards. (sits r, 
of table) 

]\Irs. G. Pooh ! Mark the artfulness of the begin- 
ning. No " sweets or darlings "—oh no — this isn't an ordi- 
nary love letter. Listen ! (Mrs. G. exclaims dramatically 
letter in hand) " Oh my Toodles " 

Billy, (starting up from chair) What ? 

Jack, (rising — checking her) Be quiet. 

Billy, (r. c.) Mr. Frere! (reseats herself. Jack 
goes up R. c. ) 

Mrs. G. (seated L. of table, looking round at them in 
surprise) Wliat's up ? 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIE. 53 

Lady D. (doum l. of Jane — sootldngly) Please read 
no more, it only depresses you. 

Mrs. G. (shortly) Don't keep chipping in. I like 
being depressed — It's the only comfort I've got. (Billy 
aghast and bewildered in arm-chair R.) 

Lady D. (l. to Mrs. G., gently expostidating) But Miss 
Marr — (Jack comes doum a. little. Lady D. goes vj^ L.) 

Mrs. G. (l. c. ZooA's round at Billy, ivho is still quite 
lost in amazement) Quite riglit — she's too j^oung. (she 
glares at letter) Toodles indeed. Ha ! and the last line 
" I like you ever — ever — ever so without your moustache." 
(she repeats scornfully) Ever — ever — ever so — Brazen 
face ! " We shall meet in the old spot to-morrow, Toodles 
dear, it seems years off to your impatient but loving 
Wang." (Sir H. and Jack go up. Billy who has been 
listening in amazement to the letter, rises and crosses to R. 
of table in great excitement, and says chokingly) 

Billy. Mrs. Greaves — that letter — 

Mrs. G. (looking at her in great surprise) Yes, my 
dear, don't tell me you know any one of the name of Wang. 

Jack, (quickly interposing, doum c. At back of table) 
No. she doesn't, of course she doesn't, (then fiercely) 
Why do you want to drag everybody into this miserable 
business. 

Mrs. G. (rises — rounding on him) Miserable business — 
Jack — (Lady D : crosses to c. at back). 

Billy, (r. c. pointing at letters with a hand that shakes 
■ — .so?/.s chokingly) You found those letters — 

Mrs. G. (l. c. interrupting) I found these letters with- 
in my husband's desk, (a pause — Billy turns and look at 
Jack, irho is above table) 

Billy, (c. speaking very slowly) And Mr. Frere has 
read tliem — 

Jack. (r. c. quickly) Billy, for heaven's sake — 

Billy, (coldly) Don't call me Billy, please ! 

Lady D. {up r. c.) Oh, don't say you dear people have 
quarrelled — 

Mrs. G. (looking from Billy to Jack in amazement) 
Quarrelled — already ? 

Jack, (despairingly) No, we've not. 

Billy, (stamps) Yes, we have ! (then she resumes her 
dignified air) That is to say we have realized that our en- 
gagement was a mistake, that's all. (Mrs. G. gathers up 
letters from table and moves down to sofa L. , reticule on 
sofa) 

Lady D. (sympathetically) Oh, don't say that, (goes 
up) 

Jack, (crossing to L. then below table to Billy) We 
haven't realised any sucli thing. Billy, how can you? 

Billy, (glaring at 3 a.ck furiously) Don't call me Billy, 



54 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

please, (becomes suddenly very calm, crosses in front of 
table L. C.) Mis. Greaves, you want to know who wrote 
those letters signed Wang ! (Lady D. comes doivn slouiy) 

Jack. (r. c.) No, she doesn't. 

Mrs. G. (at sofa h.) Yes, I do. I'd sell my eye-teeth 
for the information. 

Lady. D. (doivn R. of Bil,1jY , putting her arm in Billy's 
quickly) Come away, dear, you don't know what you're 
doing. 

Billy, (shaking herself clear o/Lady D., rvho turns up 
C. Billy oi-er to l. c. turns up her nose to Jack as she 
passes him) Leave me alone. I do know vvhat I'm doing, 
thank you, Lady Duncan, {dozen to L. C.) Mrs. Greaves, 
I wrote that letter to Mr. Greaves, and about the time I 
wrote that I wrote many more. I hope j'ou liave given Mr. 
Frere every opportunity of discussing all of tliem with you. 

Jack. (C.) Billy, Billy— how could I help it ? 

Billy, (l. c. u-ith great sarcasm,) I quite see what a 
temptation it must have been, (to Sir H.) " Better find 
these things out too soon tlian too late." (Harry sneaks 
up to fireplace) 

Jack, (is beginning to get quite desperate) Oh, my dear, 
my dear, do let me put this straight. (Billy again turns 
her back on him) 

Mrs. G. (seated on sofa — she had been comph'tely dum- 
founded by Billy's confession — ;2^«^^s herself together suf- 
ficiently to gasp breathlessly) You wrote tliese letters? 

Billy. Yes. (crosses to r. c. Harry comes forward to 
explain. She turns her back on him, and goes up a little. 
Lady D. crosses back of table to L. aiid doivn to sofa) 

Lady D. (endeavouring to calm Mrs. G. ) Oh Jane, I 
think — 

Mrs. G. (tvitli a syiort of fury) Tliink ! I'll think — 
when I swallow this. She wrote these letters ! (rises 
and goes to l. of table, has several letters wifli her) 

Jack. (r. off table, quite desperate — bangs on the table) 
Once for all let's put this matter straight. 

Mrs. G. (l. of table, shrilly) Put tills straight ? If 
there's any putting things straightener. 

Lady D. (l. of Jane) Much kinder to hush it up. Oh 
do, for my sake. Jane. 

Mrs. G. (going to sofa, sits and picks up letters) I will 
not hush it up for your sake or anybody else's, (she goes 
to sofa, Billy standing haughtily R. of the room, lier hands 
clenched, glaring at Jack) You wrote 'em ! This — this 
and this — you wrote 'em ! Billy Marr, I know your 
mother, don't look me in the face and tell me that you're 
Wang. 

Billy, (haughtily) I was Wang. (Mrs. G. collapses 
on sofa) 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 55 

Jack. (c. — to Billy— /lofZy) I won't allow — 

Billy, (r. c. interrupting fiercely) And what's more 
I'm not ashamed to own it, Mrs. Greaves, (then with hitter 
scorn) If you will have copies made of all those letters, 
Mr. Frere would doubtless get up a debate about them at 
his club. 

Jack. Billy, if you go on like this, you'll make me 
angry. 

Billy, (calmly) Oh indeed ! 

Jack, (c.) Be quiet ! Sit down and listen to reason. 

Mrs. G. She'll have to sit up and listen to my lawyer. 

Lady D. (l. 0/ Jane) Oh, Jane— be gentle. 

Mrs. G. (angrily shaking her off) Don't keep chipping 
in! 

Lady D. The dear child can explain it all. 

Mrs. G. She sliall explain it all — and it'll take her all 
her time. (Lady D. goes up to window L. and looks out) 

Jack, (turning to Mrs. G. beloiv table) She shall do 
notliing of the sort. 

Billy, {turning fiercely on Jack) She will do as she 
pleases, and she begs that you'll not interfere. 

Mrs. G. (ivaving another letter, u-hich she picks up from 
those on sofa, laughs hysterically) Ha — ha — ! poetry upon 
my word. "When I look from my window I see your 
face, j^our eyes reflected from the sky. Don't you wisli we 
were birds, Toodles ? " (Jack ivho is below table takes 
letter from her and tears it up and throios pieces on stage, 
goes lip c. a little) 

Mrs. G. (L.) You wrote that rubbish ? 

Billy, (r. — defiantly) I did — but it didn't seem rub- 
bisli then. 

Jack, (moving to c.) It wasn't rubbish then, you 
thought you loved him. Billy, I understand. 

Mrs. G. Jack ! Jack ! get out of the way. How can 
I see through you. (he goes up C. IMrs. G. rises and 
comes to L. c.) Perhaps Miss Marr will tell me whether 
she knows anything of a flat at 138 third floor Victoria 
Street. 

Jack, (coming doum z..c., furiously turning to Jane) 
Mrs. Greaves, how dare you ? 

Billy, (starting forivard a little to R. c.) What do 
you mean by that V 

Mrs. G. (l. c.) Wasn't my question clear? But there, 
I quite understand, you never were near such a place. 
Quite right not to incriminate yourself, (goes back to 
sofa. Jack crosses at back to R. and meets Sir H., they 
confer for a moment) 

Billy, (r. c, looking round haughtily at all of them) 
I was near such a place, as it happens, t lived there for 
some time. 



56 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

Mrs. G. (sits 071 sofa 1..) That's right. Beautiful can- 
dour ! 

Lady D. (down to above table — to Billy) Oh my 
dear — do, do explain — tell them — Oh, say — that — that your 
— Oh — that your mother was with you all the time — or — 

Billy, (r. c.) What are you talking about? My 
mother icas with me all the time. 

Lady D. [with a smile) There ! I knew she was. 
There, Jane, see how unkind you are. Her mother was 
with her all the time. 

Mrs. G. (iHses) Very clever — very smart of you. Lady 
Duncan. Perhaps you'll stop chipping in with people's 
motliers. I dare say Miss Marr can trot out her ow n rela- 
tions without help from you. But her mother won't wasli, 
my dear. I can see through a brick wall as far as most 
people, and Miss Wilhehnina Marr's mother on this oc- 
casion will not wash. (Lady D. goes up) 

Billy, (crosses to table r. C, r. of it) I can't see what 
all the fuss is about. If I was foolish enougli to write silly 
letters to my cousin, it is my affair and his affair, and 
there's an end of the matter. 

Mrs. G. (rises) You dare to say that to me ? Oli, to 
think that I should live to call you huss}' ! (Jack leaves 
Sir H. and goes down n.) 

Billy, (haughtily) Mrs. Greaves ! 

Mrs. G. Don't "Mrs. Greaves" me. The sooner you 
catcli the ten o'clock train the better pleased I'll be. I — I 
— Lord forgive me, for turning your mother's daughter out 
of doors, (sits on sofa. Billy crosses r., then goes up, 
crosses L. at back of stage then crosses R. the7i comes doivn) 

Jack, (coming L. c. beloni table) Mrs. Greaves, I will 
not tolei'ate such an iniquitous proceeding. For Heaven's 
sake think of what people will say. (to Billy) Billy, for 
the love of heaven, don't let yovir perfectly natural anger 
drive you into sunh a false position. Give us tJie facts, ex- 
plain tliis silly business. Mrs. Greaves is groping absiu'dly 
in the dark. Explain it, and she'll gladly apologise to 

you- 

Mrs. G. (leaning hack on sofa tvith a snoi't) Apol- 
ogise ! I ! Tliat's likely ! 

Billy, (r. of table— picking up ' \Globe " — reads bitterly) 
" Get her to explain once and for all and have done with it." 
(then she crashes up 2japer fiercely and throics it at hisfeef) 
Suppose I don't clioose to explain. 

Jack, (bursting out) Don't be so pig-headed, (she 
turns lip stage and crosses to L. of table back of it — and 
then crosses R. and sits rip R. till end of speech. He 
checks himself) I beg pardon, but, oh, Bill}-, think— look 
at the impression you're conveying not to me, but to tliese 
ladies. (Mrs. Greaves gives another short snort of derision. 



/ 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 57 

Jack turns on her angrily — he is still heloiv table) Mrs. 
Greaves, will you, for lieaven's sake, be patient, and go into 
tliis matter quietly. Don't you see that the idea of Jliss 
IVIarrever looking at such a man as 3'our husband is ridic- 
ulous. (Sir H. over against mantel— face doum — trying 
to liide his laughter) 

Mrs. G. (rising) What ! 

Jack. I don't mean that, I mean Miss Marr has promised 
to be my wife. 

Mrs. G. That was before these revelations — now like a 
wise man you've broken it off. (Billy sits up) 

Jack, (angrily) I've not broken it off — I — 

Mrs. G. Be tliankful I've opened your eyes, (sits sofa) 

Jack. Opened my eyes ! How dare you ! (he becomes 
speechless) 

Billy, (rises and doini R. c. coldly) If you'll kindly 
order a carriage I will leave your house at once. 

Jack. (c. ) Where to go ? 

Billy. I shall go to Paris to-night. (Sir Harry comes 
doum E. ) 

Lady D. (above table toBiiAJY as if expostidating) My 
dear, Mr. Greaves goes to Paris to-night, (looks at her 
amazed) 

Mrs. G. (rises) What ? There's your young woman of 
to-day ! Borrows a fiver from the deluded wife to ])ay 
her fare to Paris with the husband, (sinks back on the 
sofa) 

Billy, (stamping — crossing to Jane) How dare you 
say such a thing ! Oh, how dare you ? (she tears up 
note furiously and flings it at Mrs. G/s feet) There's the 
money, you wicked, wicked woman. 

Mrs. G. (amazed) My money, look at it ! Oh how I 
could express myself if only my breathing weren't so 
short ! ' (Jack goes up c. and doivn L. c. Sir H. goesupiSi. 
and doivii again. Lady D. goes down L. and up again) 

Billy. I won't touch a penny of it. (crosses R. ) I'll 
walk to the station and telegraph to mother to send me 
sufficient to take me away from here. (turns to C. 
Action, all characters except Jane move to and fro and 
finish in the same situation) 

Jack, (as they sfojy walking, faces Billy c— firmly) 
You don't leave this house until the truth is known, and 
Mrs. Greaves and others (he looks pointedly at Lady D. 
who is at chair L. of table) have apologised, 

Mrs. G. It's my house, Mr. Frere, and she leaves it as 
soon as possible. 

Billy. She leaves it now. I'm going to the station to 
telegraph now. 

Jack, (quietly) You can't do that. You say you have 
no money. 



58 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

Billy, (with great dignity) I dare say I can borrow 
half-a-crown. 

Mrs. G. (on sofa l. shutting up her reticule, quickly) 
After the way you've behaved to my tiver — once bit twice 
shy. {picks up reticule as if to guard it) 

Jack. And it's no good looking at me. Not a farthing 
do you get. It's my duty to see that you don't leave this 
house until they've all apologised. 

Billy, (r. C. turning quickly to Sir H. r.) Sir 
Harry, you'll lend me two shillings ? (SiR H. feels for the 
money) 

Jack, (doum c.) At your peril, Harry. She's my 
future wife and I'm going to manage this affair. 

Billy, (r. c. turning on him with scorn). Your future 
wife ! I tell you, Mr. Frere, if there wasn't another man 
in the world I wouldn't marry you now. 

Jack. Anrl I tell you. Miss Marr, if tliere wasn't another 
woman in the world I'd marry you whether you liked it 
or not. (Billy walks to r) 

Mrs. G. {on sofa — staring blankly at Jack) Tlie man's 
mad. 

Jack, {over to Mrs. G.) Not a bit of it ! Mad— not I ! 
(back again to L. c. Billy makes a quick movement to 
door — he intercepts her) Stay where you are till I clear 
this up. You've no money so it's no use worrying. 

Billy, {stamping her foot and hovering on the brink of 
tears) I hate you. Oh, I hate you all ! (the Butler e;;fers 
with coffee on a large silver salver L. 2 E. and Billy crosses 
L. to him. He places tray on table up L.) 

Billy. YovA, (he turns to her) lend me half-a-crown. 

Butler, (a little astonished) Certainly, Miss. (He 
fumbles for the coin in coin purse while she stands with her 
hand outstretched glaring defiance at Jack. Ford pref<ents 
her gravely with the coin, which she snatches. Exit Ford l. , 
shutting door) 

Jack, (calmly— having made up his mind to accept the 
inevitable) As it's so late you'll have to telegraph from 
the station. 

Billy. I shall telegraph from where I please. 

Jack, (moving down b..) Of course you will. TiT the 
coach house or the croquet lawn. (Billy sniffs back her 
tears and marches firmly to the (toor and ivith her nose welt 
in the air. As she gets to it. she returns a step or tivo and 
says ivith great dignity to Jane) 

Billy. Mrs. Greaves, I am not naturally given to tell- 
ing stories but I've told yon one to-night. I've hail no 
letter from my mother, she is. 1 liope, quite well. I tell 
you til is, because one only tells little lies to one's friends — 
other people wouldn't understand, (she stalks out and 
slams the door l. 2 e. ) 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 59 

Jack. She's going because she thinks I'm a cad. Oh, 
mj' gracious, how difficult it is to make women under- 
stand, (c/os.ses to chair R. of table — sits in it. Sir H. sits 
in arm-chair doivn R.) 

Mrs. G. I understand perfectly. You're in love, Jack, 
your bi-ain ain't working. (Lady D. comes down) 

Lady D. (above sofa) But one must admire the way 
the dear cliild cariies it off. 

Jack. Carries it off ! Why, God bless me, she hasn't 
the smallest notion of the preposterous and iniquitous 
things you are tliinking about her, and I'll take jolly good 
care she never finds it out. {picks vp book and reads. 
Mrs. G. is beginning to feel the effects of her recent excite- 
ment and shotvs symptoms of approaching tears) 

Mrs. G. I'm an unhappy woman, Lady Duncan. 

Lady D. Thafs all right, Jane. 

Mrs. G. Upon my word I wish I'd never tried to find 
out anything. Billy, Little Billy Marr ; and I was so fond 
of her. 

Lady D. Oh, don't give way, Jane. Let's bury this 
painful matter once for all. 

Mrs. G. (rising with decision) I will — upon my word 
I will. (Lady D. moves up a little) 

Jack, (closing up book sharply) Upon my word you 
won't. We"ll get this clear. 

Mrs. G. It is clear — she owned up — 

Jack Of course she did, but to what? She did once 
when little more than a school girl, think she was in love 
with Jim, slie did write those silly letters, but as she very 
justly claims, they weren't silly then. She's right, they 
were very beautiful then. I confess I fail to see either wit 
or wisdom in signing henself " Wang." 

Mrs. G. (quickly) Oh, what good woman would do 
that? I should like to see the man who'd dare call me 
" Wang." 

Jack, (rounding on her at once) And I shouldn't blush 
with pride at being christened "Toodles." Come, come, 
Mrs. Greaves, be sensible. It was a boy and girl affair, 
over — dead and done with ages before you married him, 
believe it — you must believe it. 

Mrs. G. But the flat — his fiat. She owned she lived 
there. 

Jack. I know she did. Tenants come and tenants go, 
Mrs. Greaves, and others take their place. No, no, leave 
this to me. 

Mrs. G. (doion to sofa — indicating letters^firmly) Jim 
shared that flat with somebody. I have proof — heaps of 
proof, (sits on sofa, picks up letters. Lady D. l. of table 
above chair L. ) 

Jack, (still seated at table looking for pen or pencil) I 



60 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

know you have. Heaps and heaps of proof. Jim shared 
that flat with someone, and I'm going to find out who 
that someone was. Lend me your pencil, Lady Duncan. 

Lady D. (with an air of bmocent inquiry) You tliink 
you know sometliiiig, Mr. Frere ? 

Jack. I shouldn't be surprised if I do, Lady Duncan. 

Lady D. What are you going to do ? 

Jack. There's one man in this world who does know 
who this woman is, and he's got to pass that knowledge on 
to me. 

Lady D. {smiling) He won't. 

Jack. He will. I'm fighting for the girl I'm going to 
marry, .so I don't mean to stick at trifies. Lend me your 
pencil. 

Lady D. {with a smile) What man is this ? 

Jack. You'll see. He's coming. Your pencil please. 

Lady D. Wliat for? {she has unhooked it from her 
bracelet and gives it to him) 

Jack, {sitting doum to write R. of table) I'm going to 
send a telegi'am to Jim. 

Omnes. {rise, they all gasp out in astonishment) To 
Jim ! 

Jack, {looking round at them all blandly) Well, he's 
bound to know the lady, isn't he ! 

QUICK CURTAIN. 

END OF ACT 2. 



ACT III. 

Scene. — TJie oak hall. Big stained-glass ivindoios c. Big 
fireplace left. Stairs r. c, leading to gallery. Large 
double oak doors, both wide open c, shounn.g the steps on 
to the terrace and the garden beyond. 

Discovered. — Jack Frere in boots and gaiters, comes 
quickly in door L. 1 E. as Fi;elding, Miss Marr's maid 
comes down steps r. 

V 

Jack. (l. c.) Ah! there you are — what's Miss Marr 
doing now ? 

Maid. (r. c.) Still trying to write that letter, sir. 

Jack, {delighted) Is she really ? How many does that 
make ? 

Maid. It's the seventh I've seen her begin, nearly finish 
and tear up. 

Jack. Have all her boxes been sent to the wrong sta- 
tion? 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 61 

Maid, {nodding verj/ gravely) All of 'em, sir. 

Jack, {rubbing Itis hands and chuckling) And that's a 
five-mile drive — splendid. Then with any luck she's bound 
to miss the train. 

Maid. (r. c. demurely) Bound to miss all the morning 
trains, sir. It'll be quite half-an-hour before I find out I'm 
at the wi-ong station, and I shall have her ticket and all her 
money, sir. 

Jack. Cc. quickly to himself) Where did she get the 
money ? 

Maid. I had some by me, sir. 

Jack. You're a good girl, but that was foolish, {he 
gives h.er a sovereign) 

Maid, {curtsey) Thank you, sir. I'd better start, sir. 
{moves up c.) 

Jack. Yes — start away, {the Maid goes off c. to l. 
Standing by newel post- -rubbing his hands) She's writing 
all tliose letters to me — bless her. (Butler crosses hall 
from L. 3 E. into breakfast room R. 2 E. As the door is 
open bursts of laughter. At newel post. To Butler) 
Who's breakfasting ? 

Butler. Lady Duncan and some of the gentlemen, sir. 
{stopping about R. c. he goes into breakfast room after Sir 
H. has come out. Sir H. comes out laughing heartily. 
Jack is perpetually glancing up to the gallery, round the 
hall expecting Billy's arrival) 

SirH. (r.) Hullo! 

Jack, {up l,. c. turning to him) 'Hullo! {coming doion 
to front of table l. c.) 

Sir H. {coming to C. E. of table) There's no mistake 
about it, she can be devilish amusing when she tries. 
She's just told — {he stops) Oh. I forgot, you don't see the 
point of amusing stories just now, do you? 

Jack. (l. c.) Oh, yes. I do — if they are amusing. 

SirH. (c.) What news? 

Jack. Well, Jim ought to be here by now — so ought 
that fellow Hagson. 

Sir H. And Miss Marr ? {gravely) 

Jack, {looking at his ivatch) She leaves in about five 
minutes, but she'll miss the train, for I've had her traps 
sent, as if by accident, to the wn^ig station — there's no 
other train for tw^o hours, so she'll either have to wait at 
the station or come back here — it doesn't matter which — 
she'll be getable any way. 

Sir H. Oh, that's your news — you've not heard mine. 
She's hooked the millionaire. 

Jack, {looking up surprised) Lady Duncan ? 

Sir H. Yes. She was in the devil's own hurry evidently 
— all happened after our little scene last niglit. She is 
smart, you know, and he announced the engagement to us 



62 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

all this morning at breakfast, and 'pon my soul, my lady 
blushed like a two-year-old. 

Jack. Then she must have been thinking of something 
else. (Servant enters from, l. at hack to platform c.) 

Serv. There's a person of the name of Hagson wishes 
to see you. sir by appointment. 

Jack. Quite riglit — bring him in. (exit Servant. Plant- 
ing himself firmly with his back to the five L. H., and his 
legs apart) Now the fun begins. 

Sir H. (r. of table) I don't expect you'll get much out 
of Hagson. 

Jack. I'll get what I want. I'll get a complete cor- 
roboration of my present suspicion that it was my Lady 
Duncan who was Master Jim's chere amiein that flat. I'm 
going to spoof the gentle Hagson into giving the ga,me 
away and if my suspicions prove correct I'll give that lady 
occasion to sit up and snort. 

Sir H. (r. of table) Suppose Hagson proves too much 
for you. {lighting a cigar) 

Jack. He won't. I led him to believe in my letter that 
I was sending for him on behalf of Lady Duncan. 

Sir H. {expostulating) But. my dear chap 

Jack, {quietly lighting a cigar) It's playing tilings 
rather low down, I daresay, but I'd sooner be called a cad 
by all my friends than allow an innocent girl to suffer for 
a guilty woman. Lady Duncan thinks she has won the 
millionaire, does she ? Very well, that's a card in my hand 
and caddish or not I'll play it for Billy's sake, {turns up 
c. a little. Servant announces Mr. Hagson trho enters c. 
from L. Harry crosses l. and sits chair above door) 

Jack, (standing with his back to fireplace) Good morn- 
ing, Mr. Hagson. 

Hag. Good morning, sir. 

Jack. Lady Duncan was very pleased with j^our be- 
haviour last evening, and is most desirous that you should 
suffer no financial loss by reason of your discretion. By 
the way, tins is Sir Harry Harmon, who knows all the cir- 
cumstances. 

Hag. (tnrnincf his hat nervously and keeping his eyes 
on the ground) Her ladyship is very kind — I — I think I 
didn't make myself quite clear. ^ (« rapid glance of com- 
prehension passes between Sir Harry and Jack) 

Jack. You behaved admirably — and her ladyship ia 
grateful. 

Hag. (shifting uneasily from one foot to another) Beg- 
gin' your pardon, sir — (he breaks off at a loss) 

Jack, (coming to table) If you will let me know what 
sum you require I have instructions to fill in this cheque. 
(sitting L. of fable, takes cheque from pocket) 

Hag. There it is, sir — what with the old lady sendin' for 



BILLI-'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 63 

me — and all of a suddon askin' me who? — and her lady- 
ship bein' tJiere herself — I lost my 'ead, sir. 

Jack. It wasn't apparent. No one would have guessed 
you and her ladyship liad met before, (then putting 
aheque on table, he takes up peii) How much ? (pause) 

Hag. {shaking Ids head) Thank you, sir — it's verj' kind 
of her ladyship, but her ladysliip don't understand. When 
I first married, foolish like, I told my wife a few of the 
things I'd seen in my time. She went a-talkiiig to her 
sister (smiles at the remevihrance of ichat took p)lace — 
<iynically) Slie ain't been a-talking since. My respects to 
her ladyship, but she and Mr. Jim might 'a knowed me bet- 
ter til an to — to 

Jack, (rising in great astonishment) You mean you 
won't take the money? 

Hag. No, t'lank you. sir. Both her ladyship and Mr. 
Jim can rely on me to hold my tongue without bein' paid 
for it. 

Jack. Then as my only purpose in sending for you was 
to pay you for your discreti<m, I fear I've wasted your 
time. 

Hag. Not at all, sir. I should have waited on her lady- 
ship anyhow to tell her she and Mr. Jim could rely on 
me. 

Jack. I'll tell her, Mr. Hagson, it's very kind of you. 

Hag. It's a matter of principle with me, sir, and I 
never goes back on my principles. , 

Sir H. (l. h., nudging jA.hKicith his foot) I wish we 
could all say tliat, eh, Jack? 

Jack. (l. c. dnbiotisly) Um ! (a p>ause) Then that'.s 
all, I suppose, we can do. 

Hag. Yes sir, tliank you very much, sir. Good day, 
sir. (goes up to platform c. and turns back) 1 trust 
you'll explain to her ladyship and Mr. Jim. 

Jack. I certainly will. 

Hag. (on platform c. doorway) Thank you, sir. Good 
day, sir. 

Jack and Sir H. Good day. (exit Hagson c. to r. Jack 
andSiR H. look at each other in complete astonishvient) 

Jack, (crossing to c. front of table) We've begun the 
■day well, we've actually met an honest man. 

Sir H. (has risen to l. c. beloiv table) No matter — 
we've found out what we wanted to know. 

Jack. We Iiave, thank God. Doesn't it make you 
shudder to think what that woman must be made of? By 
Gad ! I know what I'm dealing with now. (down R.) 

Sir H. (up l. c.) I suppose the next thing to do is to 
tackle the woman herself. 

Jack, (grindy) And at once. 

Sir H. Well, I wish you joy of that task, (strolls on to 



61 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

terrace off c. to r. Footman enters from r. Butler from 
L. A trap drives xip to door. Butler says a word to groom 
and is about to go upstairs. The Footman exit after hav- 
ing spoken to Butler) 

Jack, (at stairway R. c.) Is that trap to take Miss 
Man- to tlie station ? 

Serv. Yes, sir. (he goes upstairs, meeting Billy irho 
enters through archicay R. 3 tipper platform and is dressed 
for departure) The trap's here, Miss. 

Billy. Thank you. {gives Butler cloak, who exits with 
it c. to u. , servant goes out. Billy sees Jack and paying 
no attention to him, comes down-stairs ivith great dignity. 
Jack looks at her quizzically then becomes apparently very 
serious. Billy crosses to r. of table l. c.) 

Jack, (coming doicn r.) I have been waiting here for 
a word or two before you go. 

Billy, (with a sniff^putting glove on left hand) Very 
inconsiderate of you. 

Jack, (sentimentally regarding her) People in love 
are always inconsiderate, I'm told. 

Billy, (coldly) Are tliey ? I've never been in love. 

Jack. (c.) So I've heard, (a pause) So I suppose 
you and I won't see each other again — Oh, for a long, long 
time. 

Billy. I liope not. 

Jack. Of course once you leave this house you'll never 
come back to it. 

Billy. (tries to put r. haiid glove on L. ha?id, over l. 
hand one. Very firmly) Never! 

Jack, (gravely) Ah ! — (a pause) You wouldn't like 
me to explain my last niglit's attitude before you go ? 

Billy, (coldly) It really wouldn't interest me. 

Jack, (with a prolonged and melancholy sigh) No — I 
didn't suppose it would. (Jack coughs — Billy discovers 
mistake of gloves) but — but, if you would condescend for 
one moment to put yourself in my place — 

Billy. I won't. 

Jack. Perhaps you're right, it's not a comfortable place. 
I'm a poor simple-minded country mouse, j'ou — (Billy 
laughs) you've gathered that from my behavioiu- — 

Billy, (spasmodic laugh) Scarcely. 

Jack. Oh, I'm sorry — I've .always tried to convey it. 
And of course you mvist realize that all I heard yesterday 
was a great surprise to me. Of course a little explanation 
from either of us could have made everything quite easy 
but — explanation involves a little trouble and after all, 
with only two people's lives at stake it wasn't worth it, 
was it ? 

Billy, (shortly) I don't think it was. Is the trap 
there ? 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 65 

Jack. Yes, your luggage has gone on, but of course it's 
Tery delightful to gratify one's temper at the expense of 
one's reputation, isn't it? (Billy goes xip c. on to plat- 
form. Then irith great anxiety) I hope you're taking a 
rug ■? 

Billy. (sto2}s c, clenches her fists and comes right 
down to him, looking fiercely at him) Mr. Frere, it may 
interest you to know I have never met a man, of wliom, 
in so short a space of time, I formed two such different 
opinions. 

Jack, {up r. of Billy) Miss Marr, it may interest you 
to know I have never met a woman of whom, in so short 
a space of time, I formed one such definite opinion. 

Billy, {scornfully) Whatever opinion you formed ap- 
parently required a lot of smoke-room conversation to 
develop. 

Jack. And a lot of drawing-room conversation was 
powerless to undevelop it. Is nobody going to the station 
with 3'ou ? 

Billy. Out of this house ? No, thank you. 

Jack. I'd come, but of course — 

Billy, {bitterly) Thank you. 

Jack, {looking at watch) If you don't go at once, you'll 
miss your train. 

Billy, {very haughtily turns up stage on to platform) 
Good-bye. 

Jack. (r. c.) Somehow I don't think so. I've an ex- 
traordinary presentiment that you w^on't go far after all — 
you'll come back. 

Billy, {calmly steps off platform c.) Oh, will I ? 

Jack. But if you want to catch the train you must go 
at once. 

Billy, {with a stamp) Oh, if you only knew how I 
hate'd everybody ! {to doorioay C. looks off) Oh, there's 
Sir Harry, 1 want to speak to him. 

Jack, {going on to platform R. of Billy) Vv^'ould you 
like me to go outside ? 

BiLi-Y. {almost in tears) Yes. {moves doion R. Sir 
Harry comes in c. from r.) 

Jack, {to Harry) Harry, Harry, Miss Marr wants to 
speak to you. {with great solemnity) Alone, {he goes 
out into garden c. to R.) 

Sir H. {coming doivn quickly to c.) Well, little 
woman ? 

Billy, (r. — inth a little break in her voice) Sir Harry, 
I — why are they all unkind to me 'i* 

Sir ii. (c. soothingly) Are they ? 

Billy, {to him a little) Yes, — awfully unkind. There 
was no harm in my writing those letters to Jim, we were 
engaged. 

5 



66 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

Sir H. (c.) Of course you were. By the way how did 
you happen to get hold of his flat in Victoria Street ? 

Billy, (r. c.) Motlier got it through the agents 

Sir H. Oh ! 

Billy. Why ? 

Sir H. (moving away to L. c.) Nothing. It's a jolly 
neighbourliood. (turning back to her. ) I wish you'd make 
it up with Jack. He loves the very ground you walk on. 

Billy, (ivith a sob) He doesn't. 

Sir H. He does, and he never discussed you with nie in 
the smoking room. He nearly punched my head because I 
whistled when I heard the story of those letters. 

Billy, (angrily) Why, wliy did you whistle? 

Sir H. Because I saw how difficult it would be for him 
to convince a lot of fools that there were wise people in the 
world. 

Billy, (ivitlh a little sob) I — I'm not a wise person. 

Sir H. Yes — you are. 

Billy, (moves dotvn r.) No, I'm not. Oh, Oh, I 

Sir H. (finishes her sentence for her) You love him 
very dearly. 

Billy, (hiding her face in her hands) I know I do, it 
is not my fault. I cant help it — and — and I'm making him 
begin to think that I don't. 

Sir H. (grimly) Poor old Jack ! Now suppose when next 
you meet — suppose you just hold out your hand to him and 
say — Jack — I — (he paiises at a loss how to go on, then cheer- 
fully) Well, you'll know what to say when the time 
comes. 

Billy, (turning bach to Sir H. — brightening vp at the 
thought) I will — I will. Yes, I'll tell him I've been bad 
tempered and beastly — an — an — 

(Jack re-enters c. from r. and comes doion c. L. of them.) 

Jack. I'm sorry to interrupt, but you'll miss your train. 

Billy, (curling up at once at his casual tone and turn- 
ing to Sir H. desperately) There, I told you — he doesn't 
care, (^o Jack) Huh 1 (turns to R.) 

Jack, (coming dorvn L. of Sir H. — to Sir H. aside) 
What have I done ? 

Sir H. (softly) Been an as&. (Jack turns away to L.) 

Billy, (coming to Sir H. quickly — aside) Don't tell 
him — promise, (turns aiiiay to R.) 

Sir H. Not a word, (turns and looks at them, then up 
stage, coughs as he turns up. They turn simultaneously as 
if to speah to Sir H. and come face to face. She turns to 
go. Jack holds out his hand — she turns her head and stalks 
past him haughtily and off R.) 

Ja'ck. (going on to platform C.) Oh, Harry, if you 
hadn't scribbled on the "Globe." See what tragedies trifles 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 67 

breed, (then he calls after Billy) Oh, Billy, if we'd only- 
explained. 

Billy, {calling back with a laugh) Yes — better too 
soon than too late, {the dog-cart disappears off R. on 
word) 

Jack, {coming doum r.) She's glorious ! I love every 
inch of her. Six minutes to the station — six minutes tear- 
ing hair over luggage. Six mirmtes to come back again 
and all will be serene, {then to Sir Harry who is up c. 
going ?tp) What did she tell you? 

Sir H. {they both come down a little R. c.) Nothing I 
didn't know, but I swore not to repeat it. I'm learning 
lessons about repeating things. I wish you'd have allowed 
nie to go with her to the station. 

Jack. (l. c. ) Couldn't — it would have spoiled my 
plans, {they go np c. together. Hon. Mrs. Herring comes 
down-stairs meeting Lady Roop on the landing from arch- 
way R. Lady Hoop from door l. 3 E. Tliey meet on plat- 
form R. c. head of staircase. Jack and Sir H. start at the 
sound of their voices and listen) 

Mrs. H. Mary — you've overslept yourself again. 

Lady R. No. no. I was writing a little paragraph. 

Mrs. H. Not aoout Jane and Billy Marr ? 

Lady R. {on platform — a little shamefacedly, then with 
a glimmering of defiance) Yes, it's quite readable. 

Mrs. H. {feebly) But it isn't true ; we know the facts. 

Sir H. {coming forward 1.. c.) ^odowe (Mrs. H. 

and Lady R. start doion .^teps sloioly) 

Jack. (c. coming down with a sviile and bowing courte- 
ously to Lady Roop) And Lady Roop's paragraphs have 
earned the reputation for knowing something of the truth. 
I'm sure in tliis instance she won't jeopardize that justly 
earned monopoly. (Sir H. comes down L. c. ) 

Lady R. (r. c. feebly) I — I — {then as an excuse — 
brightly) Nobody ever believes what I write. 

Jack. (c. gravely) Then why write ? 

Lady R. (r. c.) I — I get paid for it. 

Sir H. (l. c.) Unanswerable. 

Mrs. H. (r.) I hear Jane ordered Billy Marr to go. 

Sir H. (l. c. ) Jane will go on her knees to her before 
an hovir's out and beg her to remain. 

Mrs. H. Really ? {astonished) 

Sir. H. (l. c.) On my word of honour. 

Jack. (C.) Harry and I know the facts. 

Mrs. H. (r.; So does everybody — except Jane. 

Jack, (c.) No, everybody doesn't — but everybody will. 

Lady R. (r. c.) Oh, I'm so glad, I'm not going till to- 
morrow, it's all so interesting and such good copy. 

Jack, {looks at Sir H. over Mrs. H.'s head) Now then 
ladies, what facts do you know, and when did you leara 



GS BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

them? (Mrs. H. looks at Lady R., Lady R. looks back 
helplessly at Mrs. H. crosses below Lady R. to Jack) 

Mrs. H. (r. c, assuming an air of surprised virtue) 
Really, Mr. Frere — I cannot mix myself up in such matters^ 

Lady R. (r. adopting the same tone) Nor I. 

Mrs. H. (r. c.) I — I always make it a point to know- 
nothing. 

Lady R. (r.) And I. 

Mrs. H. {crossing R. below Lady R.) Mary — we're late 
for breakfast. 

Lady R. (r. c.) I — dozed a little late this morning. 
{laugh is heard offR. 2 E.) 

Jack, {tur^dng up with Harry) Let's get a breath of 
fresh air. I'm sick of the whole crew, {they go out into 
porch and off R. ivhen Lady D. and others are on they pass 
at back and overhear them. Lady Duncan and Mr. Mun- 
KiTTRicK, Raddles ojid Captain Becher come out of break- 
fast room, meeting Mrs. Herring and Lady Roop) 

Lady D. We've just been watching the departure of 
that poor Miss Marr. 

Mrs. H. She's really gone then ? 

Lady D. {crossing to c. foUoiced by Munk. to c. Rad.^ 
goes above table — Becher goes to fireplace) Oh, dear yes, 
isn't it terrible ? 

Lady R. Terrible, {then to Mrs. H. as they go offR. 2 
E.) My dear, the eggs will be cold. (Mrs. H. and Lady 
R. disappear into breakfast room r. 2 e. ) 

Munk. (c. to Lady D.) If I hadn't heard it from you^ 
my dear, I'd never have believed it. 

Becher. {by fireplace) I can't believe it now. 

Rad. {back of table) The view I take of the matter — 

Lady D. My dear people, I was far more astonished 
than any of you. I'd got quite fond of the dear cliild. 
Did you notice how red her eyes were ? Oh dear, oh dear,^ 
one really does not know who to believe in nowadays. 

Becher. {by fireplace, looking curiously at LadyD.) 
That's true. 

Lady D. {seated, r. of table) I'm beginning to be a 
little sorry I told you this sad story. But I did it for the 
poor child's sake. If I hadn't told you, you'd have been 
all here seeing her off to the station, and asking her why 
she was going and all that, and *it would liave been so 
awkward for the poor girl to explain that she was going . 
because her injured hostess, turned her out. 

Becher. It is the most incomprehensible thing I ever 
heard. 

Munk. Poor old Frere, it's awfully hard on him. (Jack 
and Sir H. enter c. f7-oni r. and stand 07i platform) 

Lady D. Shocking — poor Jack's heart-broken. 

Becher. He's broken off the engagement, you say. 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 59 

Lady D. Poor fellow, what else could he possibly do ? 

Becher. (moving down L. a little) Then if he's done 
that it must be true. 

Jack, [coming down quietly to c.) He Jias not done 
that — and it isn't true. (Sir H. goes dozen R. They all 
turn quickly to him loith exclamaiions of surprise) 

Beoher. {to Jack — excitedly) But Lady Duncan — 

Jack. (c. smiling at Lady D.) Lady Duncan has been 
misinformed. 

Lady D. {leaning back in her chair, and looking up at 
■him sweetly) Oh, I do liope you're right. 

MuNK. (L. c— bubbling over with excited ctiriosity) 
Wasn't thei'e any flat at all ? 

Jack. Oh, yes, there was a flat. 

MuNK. And a lady ? 

Jack. And a lady. 

Lady D. How interesting ! 

MUNK. "Who was it ? 

Jack, {mysteriously) Ah ! 

Becher. {eagerly) Do you know who it was ? 

Jack. Yes. {they all betray great interest) 

Lady D. Oh, do tell us. 

Jack. Sir Harry and I have, fortunately for Miss Marr, 
found out the facts. 

Lady D. {apparently profoundly impressed) How in- 
teresting ! 

MuNK. {leaning forward) ' Who was the gii-1 ? 

Jack. I can hardly tell you that — who knows you 
might all be on friendly terms with her. You see, I had 
to get to the bottom of this business because poor Mrs. 
Greaves was most absurdly visiting all her wrath upon 
Miss Marr. (a look between Jack aiid Sir H.) 

Lady D. {icith a little laugh) But, if it isn't Miss 
Marr, wlio is it? Do tell us — I'm dying with curiosity to 
know what dreadful revenge our dear Jane will take on 
her. 

Jack, {very sloivly so that Lady D. may not miss his 
meaning) Well, do j^ou know — neither Sir Harry nor my- 
self think it wise to let even Mrs. Greaves know who the 
other lady is. Of course if slie won't believe us when we 
assure her that Miss Marr was not concerned in the affair, 
well, we shall be compelled to give her proof. 

MuNK. (L. C.) What sort of proof ? 

Jack, (c.) The written confession of the fair culprit 
lierself. 

Becher. {doum L. unth a gasp of surprise) You don't 
mean to say you liave got that ? 

Jack. Not yet. 

Lady D. {looking at him with a smile) Won't it bo 
difficult to obtain ? 



VO BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

Jack. I don't think so — do you, Harry ? (going to him 
a little) 

Sir H. (r.) Not a bit — but I trust we shan't require it. 
(MuNK. and Rad. go up c. ) 

Becher. (crossing, going to Jack, c, holding out his 
hand) Frere — I — 1 — can't tell you how damned glad I am 
about this. I give you my word of honour — I could not 
bring myself to believe it. 

Jack. (r. c. shaking hands with him) My dear ohap» 
nobody with eyes in their head could have believed it. 
(Becher itp c. joins Raddles and Munkittrick up c. and 
they converse a moment ) 

Lady D. Oh, Mr. Frere, it's a terrible confessio)i to 
make, but — but I believed a little after reading those k't- 
ters, I could not help mj'self. 

Jack, (smiling at her) No, no. Lady Duncan, I'm sure 
that in your heart of hearts you didn't — did you now ? 

Lady D. Well, perhaps I didn't — in my heart of hearts, 
but that's a part of my being to which I very seldom 
refer. 

Jack. I can quite understand that. (Becher has gone 
on to platform c, he and Raddles sta7id for a moment 
lighting cigarettes, then disappear into the garden off c. to 
L. MuN'K. drops doirn, to L. of table) 

Lady D. But surely, if all this misunderstanding has 
been cleared up, why the suddeii departure of Miss Marr ? 

Jack. (c. ) It is not publicly cleared up yet but it will 
be in the course of the next hour. Miss Jlarr has not 
gone, she will be back in about ten minutes. (Lady D. sits 
up surprised) 

MuNK. Then it's not true that your engagement i* 
broken off ? 

Jack, (a little einbarrassed) Er — well — I had the mis- 
fortune to offend Miss Marr — but I think I may safely say 
that we sliall be married by special license within a fort- 
night. 

MuNK. (holding Iris hands complacently across his 
stomach) I am delighted to hear it. Pity we can't have 
the two weddings together — yours and mine, (sitting L.. of 
table) 

Jack, (with a sudden outbreak of geniality) My dear 
Munkittrick, forgive me, I never congratulated you. 

Munk. I am a lucky fellow, aren't I ? 

Lady D. (r. of table, breaking in with a triumphant 
little laugh, holding up her hands) Look, Mr. Frere, did 
ever you see such a diamond. 

Jack, (crossing to her and examining the outstretched 
hand and ring) Beautiful. 

Lady D. (looking at him with half concealed defiance) 
All mine — my very own. 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 71 

Jack, (retaming her glance with meaning) The en- 
gagement ring — wouldn't it go to your heart if ever you 
had to return it ? 

MUNK. {sitting ttp) Wliat do you mean ? 

Jack, {with a laugh) I was thinking of my own case. 
{he takes his ring from his pocket) Look. Mine has come 
back to me once already. 

MuNK. {laughs) Oh — a lovers' tiff, might happen to 
any of us. 

Sir H. (fo Munkittrick) I wonder will it ever happen 
to you ? (Lady D. extends her hand across table, Munk. 
fondles it) 

Jack. They say it takes two to quarrel, so we may rely 
on Lady Duncan's good sense to steer clear of one. 

Lady D. Absolutely, {clock strikes eleven. Jack goes 
to neioel post L. of steps and leans on it) 

Munk. {rising) As late as tliat ? Val, my dear, if you 
can spare me for half an hour I would like to go to the 
library and read my letters. 

Lady D. Half an liour ! Oh Fred dear, what a time ! 

Munk. I'll Inirry. 

Lady D. Oh don't ; please, dawdle dear, and I'll occupy 
myself by flirting desperately with Sir Harry. 

Sir H. Believe me, I'm not worth flirting with so soon 
after breakfast. 

Munk. You rogue ! {he playfully pinches her cheek 
across the table and makes her very angry) 

Lady D. {shortly) Fred, never do that again. 

Munk. {loitJi a boisterous laugh, going towards L. 2 E.) 
Why, my dear, if it don't come off? 

Lady D. Write your letters. No, it doesn't come off. 
{exit Munk. door l. 2 e.) 

Jack, {quietly) As a matter of fact it has. (Lady D. 
hiirt and angry, glances at him and rising goes to fireplace 
L. and carefidly readjusts her complexion by pocket mirror) 
Harry, would you like to remain, I'm going to have a little 
cliat with Lady Duncan, {she turns quickly and faces the 
two men) 

Sir H. {moves up c. to L.) Well, I don't think my 
presence is essential, but if Lady Duncan wishes any con- 
firmation of your statements I shall be smoking a cigar 
out on the terrace, {he goes out c. to L. Apavse) 

Jack, (by neioel post) Sir Harry and I have just had 
an interview with Hagson. 

Lady D. Really. 

Jack. We learnt from him all we desired to know. 

Lady D. How fortunate for you. 

Jack. In justice to Hagson I may tell you that no 
amount of money would liave induced him to betray you. 
I obtained tlie information I required by a trick. Mr. 



72 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

Hagson is one of the few gentlemen I have had the pleasure 
of meeting lately. 

Lady D. {comes to L. of table and picks up newspaper y 
casually) Indeed. You mean the person who called last 
night — he seemed an honest sort of creature, {turns 
2oaper. She has taken up a morning paper and is reading 
it. Pause) 

Jack, {crosses to above table. Very quietly) It's no 
good, Lady Duncan. I am going through with this affair. 
(a pause) It will be a great pity if you have to returu 
that diamond ring. 

Lady D. {sits and reads paper) I have no intention 
of doing so, my good man. 

Jack. Fortunately that is a matter over which you 
have no control {comes down R. of table) Believe me, I 
have no intention of being unjust or hard to you in this 
matter, but I have made up my mind tliat unless you do 
what I wish, you shall bear the burden of your own 
pleasures yourself. 

Lady D. {rising. With admiration) At last I can 
picture you in the pulpit, Mr. Frere. 

Jack, {paying no attention to the remark continues 
quietly) You will sit down now and write out a short 
statement of tlie facts and I will give you my word, that 
provided Mrs. Greaves accepts my assurance, backed by 
Sir Harry's, of Miss Marr's innocence — nobody shall know 
of the existence of your confession, bar myself. But should 
it be impossible to convince Mrs. Greaves without making 
use of it, I will get a promise from her that she will never 
let the name pass her lips, and on that condition show her 
your confession. 

Lady D. {putting her hands to her temples affectedly) 
My dear man, you talk so much you positively bewilder me. 

Jack. I am not going to confine myself to talk ; if I do 
not get tliat confession from you within half an hour, I go 
to Mr. Munkittrick and tell him what I know — it will then 
be to his interest to make inquiries, {goes up c.) Half 
an hour, Lady Duncan — it's a beautiful diamond and 
Munkittrick is worth, I'm told, over two hundred and fifty 
thousand. 

Lady D. {getting a little angry) My dear Mr. Frere, if 
you definitely decide not to go into tlie church — for which 
I honestly think you are admirably fitted, take a friend's 
advice, go into a lunatic asylum, {crossing to staircase R.) 

Jack, {moves to above table) There's pen and ink on 
this table when you require it. 

Lady D. {by newel post, laughing and liolding up her 
ring hand) S'-e it ! See it ! Watch how it glitters. 
Tliere it is. there it remains until it guards a plainer one. 
You're a very silly fellow, Mr. Frere. I write no paper, I 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 73 

sign no document, and with all humility I tell j'ou, you 
may do your — 

Jack. Damnedest! I say it for you. I u'ill ! The dopj- 
cart — that's Jim. Excuse me — {up c. and ojf u. u. E. he 
goes out to meet him. Lady D. stai-ts up as Jack dis- 
■appears through open hall door, she stands for a moment 
loith clenched hands and teeth, then she draws a long quick 
breath like a liiss) 

Lady D. (c.) He means it. He's in the mood that 
stops at notliing. (a thought flashes across her mind— and 
she turns and stares at the door of the room JIunkittrick 
is in L. 3 E.) If only I could make Fred — I'll try — It's 
{rnoves c.) my only chance. I'll try— nothing would 
matter then, (the door of the smoking-room l. 2 e. opens 
<xnd MuNK. comes out. He sees Lady D. and holds out Ids 
hands cheerily, going to her L.c.) 

MUNK. (L. c.) All alone, Val ? 

Lady D. (c.) I — I was waiting for you, dear. 

MuNK. [delighted) Were you really ? I've not been half- 
an-hour — I — it was no use trying to read my letters. I 
couldn't think about 'em. I could only think about — Oh, 
my dear, I'm a very lucky man to have got you, ain't I? 

Lady D. (c; I don't know. I wonder am I good 
■enough for you ? 

MuNK. (L.c. Taking her hands delightedly) I'll chance 
that. I've made myself what I am by chancing things. 
When I bought the DunvoUor claim all the big bugs 
swore I was a fool, but I came out on top. I guess 
it's the same with wives. When you think you've got a 
soft thing — hold on to it. (tries to embrace her) 

Lady D. (unncing a little and backing away from Mm) 
Y'es — yes — very praiseworthy. Fred ! 

MuNK. My dear ! 

Lady D. Will you do me a favour ? 

MuNK. Anything. 

Lady D. (pleading prettily and holding out her hands) 
I go to town for the day. Come with me shopping. Will 
you come ? 

M UNK. (delightedly catching her hands and kissing them) 
Will a duck swim ? 

Lady D. (quickly) What train can we catch ! 

MUNK. (looking at watch) There's the 11.30 then nothing 
till 12.40. 

Lady D. (then she goes to him as if u'ith an impulse of 
great affection and ivhispers softly) Freddy, I — I — oh, 
I'm so happy, dear. I want to say something to you. 

MuNK. (u^ith a self-satisfied chuckle) Go ahead. 

Lady D. Last night, you know what you begged for 
and I refused ? 

MuNK. Eh ? 



^4: BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

Lady D. You — begged to be married at once, without 
any fuss — quietly — at once. 

MuNK. Rather ! But you said— 

Lady D. I was a fool, it was all so sudden. Fred, I've 
just had a thought, it's my birthday, my lucky day. I 
won't contradict you, dear. Let's catch the 12.40 ; let's 
go— {tur7is au-ay) up to town, but (tenderly) I don't want 
to go shopping. How can we fill in the time ? (turning 
to him) 

MuNK. (catching her ineaning.) Get married ! Special 
license. Glory be to everytiiing. Pack up — slap along. 
I'm your man. (he kisses her) 

Lady D. You dear ! (he crosses to door L. and looks 
back. She runs up stairs c. on platform, she bloics a kiss 
to MuNK., tvho returns it. Looking out at windoio c.) And 
now do yovir damnedest — Mr. All-Powerful-Frere. (exit 
door above L. 3 E. ) 

MuNK. Where's my man ? The fool's never here when 
he's w^an ted. (rings for valet — button belotv fireplace L. H. 
Jim enters loith Jack c. from r. u. 'E., servant enters, Munk. 
in pantomime asks for his coat) 

Jim. (excitedly down c.) What the devil did you wire 
in for ? It only just caught me in time. I'd been in Paris 
now. Hullo, Munkittrick. 

Munk. Hullo, Jim ! 

Jim. As I drove up I met a man with this wire for you 
— I brought it on — save time. 

Munk. Excuse me ? 

Jim. Certainly, go ahead, (gives it to Munk., a?id up c. 
taking off gloves, Munk. reads it icith horror — they notice if) 

Jack. (r. c. quickly) What's up ? 

Munk. (l. c, glaring at telegram)— Everything's up! 
God's life, this may cost me thousands. When are the 
trains — when are the damned trains ? 1 can't wait for the 
12.40, I must go at once, (servant enters L. 2 e. Munk. 
takes hat from him a7id goes up R. c, servant goes above 
table c. with coat) 

Jim. (on platform %ip c. looking off h.) The dog-cart's 
still there ; if you drive like blazes you'll catch the 11.30. 

Munk. (struggling into coat?) An liour might mean a 
pot of money — tell her — tell h6r, oan't wait to he married 
to-day — be married to-morrow — much too much money at 
stake. 

Jack. (r. c.) Tell who? 

Munk. (struggling with h is coat held by Footman) She's 
dressing now to come up by the 12.40 and be married — I 
can't wait. Damn the sleeve ! (he dashes out and calls 
out R.) Drive! — drive! if you kill the beast, but catclx 
that train. 

Jim. (looking after him tip c.) He'll do it. 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 75 

Jack, (to himself— down r. c.) Go up by the 12.40 to 
be married ! Be married, a smart move, my lady, but it 
hasn't come off ! Fate fights for me. 

Jim. (coming down c.) What did you wire me like 
that for ? I ain't had a wink of sleep. I thought my wife 
must 'a broke a blood-vessel or somethin'. 

Jack. (r. c.) Nothing of the sort. You want to be 
reconciled to her, don't you ? 

Jim. Course I do ; she's a jolly good sort and all that — 
and — and 'pon my soul, I've never done anything I shouldn't 
since I've been a married man. 

Jack. I knew that. That's one of the reasons I wired 
for you ; There was another reason, but I don't think 
it'll be necessary to go into that after all — there's been the 
devil's own delight here about you and your lady friend 
and that infernal flat. 

Jim. (aghast) Has there — (moving doum L. ) oh, my 
gracious, who's told her ? (Sir H. enters from garden 
L. u. E. as Mrs. Greaves comes down-stairs from archway 
upper platform r, 3 E.) 

Sir H. (looking off R. U. E. excitedly) Miss Marr is 
coming up the drive. 

Jack, (running quickly out c. to R.) So soon? (Sir 
H. follows Jack.) 

Mrs. G. (in great dismay — stops short on the stairs) 
Billy Marr — coming back, and I stayed in bed till she'd 
gone — don't let her in. I won't; (sees Jim and stands 
aghast) 

Jim. (a little nervously — down l. C.) Morning, Jane. 

Mrs. G. (pointing a scornful finger at him) I don't 
see you except in the presence of the law — we've passed 
the church. 

Jim. (looking up at her pathetically) You always were 
a jolly good sort and all that, don't get shirty when Jack's 
wire startled me into thinking you were dead. 

Mrs. G. (fiercely) Oh, did it — and you've been acting 
as if I was, haven't you ? Well I ain't — amn't. I'm alive 
and kicking, (with intense scorn) Toodles ! 

Jim. (starting back — aghast) What ! 

Mrs. G. I've found you out, my heart's broken and I've 
packed " Wang" home to her mamma, (enter BiLLY C. to 
R. in state of intense excitement, folloiced by Jack and Sir 
H. Mrs. G. seeing her is tmable to bear the shock, she's in 
a state of collapse) Back again ! 

Billy, (downc. and up again with lines — wringing her 
hands) I can't help it. Where's my maid — my luggage — 
my ticket — my money, it's maddening ! 

Jack, (on platform c. — Sir H. l. of him) I saw her 
start for the station long before you did. 
Mrs. G. So did I— 



^6 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

Billy. She's not there. 

Mrs. G. {with a snort of scorn) A paltry excuse to 
come back. 

Billy, (c. down a step toivards Mrs. G.— fiercely) Do 
you tliink that 1 wished to come back ? 

Jim. {advancing a step or two utterly bewildered) What 
the dickens is 

Mrs. G. {rising from her seat on the stairs and pointing 
at Billy with a tragic gesture) Address one word to that 
minx in my presence and I'll slap you, " Toodles." (JiM 
sits ill chair L. of table L. c.) 

Billy, {turning up to Jack and Sir H. — in great dis- 
tress and agitation) Wliere — wliei'e can Fielding have 

Sir H. (l. c. interrupting quickly) She may liave gone 
to the wrong station. 

Jack. (c. — ivith conviction) Of course, that's it. She 
looked like a girl who would. 

Billy, {dismayed) The Junction ! My gracious, it's 
miles away. 

Jack, {ivith great seriousness) Miles — five at least — 
how perfectly awful for you. You'll have to sit down and 
vpait till she comes back. (Billy down stage L. c. and sit- 
ting R. of table L. c. ) 

JIrs. G. (sitting backwards on to the third step) Oh, 
to tliink that one of liis piccadillys is sitting in my hall ! 

Jim. {starting np from chair) Jane, what in the name 
of lieaven — (Harry is on platform L. c.) 

Jack, {pushing Siyi. into chair up L. of c arch) Don't 
interfere, Jim. For goodness sake leave tliis to me. Mrs. 
Greaves, Sir Harry would like to have a few words with 
you 

Mrs. G. {rising proudly — coming doicn steps to R. c.) 
With these two persons present — my own house is no 
place for me. When Miss Marr tliinks fit to vacate it, some- 
body will liave the goodness to tell me when I can come 
out of the garden, {she stalks out c. off L. As she goes 
she gets quite near to Billy, and fearing her skirts will 
touch her, she gathers them about her) 

Jack, {going quickly to Sir JI.r,) Harry, follow her — 
get lier reasonable — tdl lier all we agreed on, if tlie worst 
comes to the worst, I'll see that she gets her proof, {ijuts 
him off to L. ) 

Jim. {rising) But I'm in the dark. 

Jack, {taking Jni by the collar, putting him across 
R. c. ) And the place for you too. (Billy sds hopelessly B., 
of table) 

Jim. {expostidating) But 

Jack, {showing Jim towards breakfast room R. 2 E.) 
Breakfast's still there 

Jim. But I've had my breakfast I 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 77 

Jack. Eat, man — eat till I tell you to stop, {forcibly 
shoves hiui into breakfast roovi and shuts door on him — 
Jack and. Billy are left alone. Jack going towards her 
with outstretched hands gradually during speech) Billy, 
dear, do be good to iiie, a poor weak man. 

Billy. Hub ! 

Jack. I'm a brute — a — a — oh, everything that's awful, 
but I've never swerved in niy faith in you, my love for 
you. Listen. These peoi)le have insulted you. You haven't 
the faintest notion how outrageously they have insulted 
you. You were quite right not to prove them wrong. 
(goes to back of table) I'll do that for you. When that's 
been done, you won't mind my telling' you tliat you're the 
sweetest, bravest, honestest little woman that I've ever 
met, and I'm the proudest man in all the world because 
you're going to be my wife. 

Billy. I'm not — I said I wouldn't be. 

Jack. But — but — (then suddenly ivith tenderness) Oli, 
Billy dear, don't say it any more, {comes doum R. of her) 
We — we've got out of the straight someliow, haven't we — 
shan't we get back ? Do let's, {a pause— then he lohispers — 
beside her) What can I say to persuade you ? 

Billy, {slotdy) Do you want to say anything? 

Jack, {softly) No, dear— but — but I should — I should 
like to — to kiss you — we — we could talk better afterwards, 
couldn't we? 

Billy. I — I — (then ivith a sudden change of tone) Y^ou 
always laugh at me. 

Jack, (expostulates) Oh. my dear. 

Billy, (fiercely) You do. It's in your ej^ebrows. 

Jack, (laiighs and. takes her hands) Oh, Billy, Billy, 
don't look at my eyebrows — look at me. 

Billy, (struggling a little against him) You — you 
treat me like a child. 

Jack. I don't. 

Billy. You do — you laugh at me. (melting a little) 
Promise never to laugh at me again, (she rises into hi& 
arms) 

Jack. I promise, (he kisses her tenderly — a pause — 
then he ivhispers) Oh, my little love. I told you I had a 
presentiment that you'd come back. (Billy suddenly dis- 
engages herself from him, struck by an idea) 

Billy. Did you tell Fielding what station to go to ? 

Jack, (avxiously) Ye — yes. 

Billy, (flashing oid — starts aioay to L. and circles round 
table toe.) There — there — what did I tell you — j^ou — you 
— Oh, it's crviel (meeting him c.) You treat me as if I 
were a fool. 

Jack, (distressed) Billy — Billy, do listen 



t.ofC. 



78 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

Billy, {starts away again to h.) I won't— and what's 
more, I haven't the slightest intention of ever becoming 
your wife, {down L.) 

Jack. (r. c. — with a laugh) What, again ! Tliis i-eally 
makes our position ridiculous. 

Sir H. {up L. c. gravely) Jack, it's no good, the old 
lady won't listen to reason. You'll have to take the ex- 
treme measures. (Lady Duncan seen coming across upper 
platform from L. 3 E. and doion stairs, dressed for her de- 
parture for London. Billy has come up to C. ) 

Jack. Well — I'm ready. Quick, man. Take Miss Marr 
into the garden, {putting her to Sir H.) 

Sir H. (taking Bil,l,\^s hand and draioing her off c. to 
R.) Come with me, Miss Marr. 

Billy. I won't. 

Sir H. You must, {he takes her off despite herself C. 
to r. Lady Duncan comes doum smiling) 

Lady D. {at foot of stairs) Still here ? 

Jack. (r. c. ) Wliere are you going ? 

Lady D. {sweetly) I'm going to do some shopping — 

Jack, {bluntly) Munkittrick asked me to tell you he 
can't marry you to-day. (Lady D. drops a glove— Jack 
picks it up — hands it to her) Don't be alarmed. I have 
not spoken to him — yet. A business telegram compelled 
him to catch the 11.30 at the risk of disappointing you — 
however he will marry you to-morrow — unless — 

Lady D. (crossing to R. of table) Your word of honour 
he has gone. 

Jack. Word of honour. Jim's in the breakfast room, ask 
him too, he saw him go. 

Lady D. (very dismayed) Jim already — (sits R. of 
table) 

Jack. Write those few words — no one shall read them 
but I and Mrs. Greaves. 

Lady D. (angrily) I tell j'ou once for all, you get 
nothing out of me. (he goes toiraixls breakfast room r. 2 E. 
Lady D. icatches him anxiously, rising) Where are you 
going? 

Jack, (turning to her quietly) I'm going to fetch Jim, 
we can all talk it over together. , 

Lady D. (beticeen her teeth) . Y'ou brute. 

Jack, (calls r. 2 b.) Jim! ' 

Jim. (from inside n. 2 'E..) Hullo 1 

Jack. Come here. 

Lady D. (defiantly) He daren't give me away. 

Jack. He won't be able to help himself. (Jim Greaves 
comes out of breakfast room, sees Lady D.) 

Jim. Hullo ! Good morning. Lady Duncan. 

Jack, (very gravely and firmly) Jim, your wife is 
under the impression that Miss Marr was wath you at 138 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 79 

Victoria Street in the year 190L Under this misapprehen- 
sion slie ahnost publicly turned your cousin out of the 
house. 

Jim. (sinking into chair R. beloiv door R. 2 E.) Good 
God I 

Jack. (r. C. — continuing) Unless your wife can be con- 
vinced of her error, Miss Marr's position is a most unenvi- 
able one. 

Jim. (rising — looking at Lady D. R.) Did you know 
anything of this ? 

Lady D. (C. smiling serenely) Dear Jane confided in me. 

Jim. (looking at Lady D. in amazement) Not a shred 
— upon my soul — you ain't got a shred — 

Jack. I was telling Lady Duncan that if I don't get a 
written confession from either the fair culprit herself or 
from you, Jim, I must proceed to extremities. 

Lady D. (laughing) I'm afraid, Mr. Frere, that neither 
Mr. Greaves nor I can possibly be of use to you in this little 
affair. 

Jack. Is this your view of the matter, Jim ? 

Jim. (r. , completely beunldered) I — I — (Jack Mp r. c. 
To himself) I mustn't speak, and I can't keep silent. Oh 
my gracious — what a devilish position to be in. (Lady 
D. crosses to fireplace. Jack goes up to platform, calls 
offR.) 

Jack. Harry — here ! Miss Marr will excuse you for a 
moment. (Sir H. comes in from garden c. from r. Goes 
to C. Jack comes doivn to r. c.) Harry, Jim doesn't 
quite see which way the compass of his honour points, I 
must tell him that you and I know who his companion 
was — having interviewed his valet Hagson, 

Jim. (down R. starting up) What ! (sits in chair be- 
loiv door) 

Jack, (hears imaginary toheels) Who's that ? 

Sir H. (going up to platform c. L. of it, and looking off 
B.) By Jove, it's Munkittrick coining back, (remains on 
p)latform L. c.) 

Lady D. (going up to platform and looking off — start- 
ing up) No, no, — he mustn't notv. (comes down to L. of 
table) 

Jack, (excitedly — c.) Splendid ! Now once and for 
all we can settle matters. He's a man of the world. Sir 
Harry and I will tell him everything — he shall decide. 
(coming to R. of table) Lady Duncan, I mean what I saj-, 
won't you keep your ring? 

Lady D. (across table) I want to — you mean to tell 
him ? 

Jack. Yes. 

Lady D. Don't do that. I can't afford it — oh, why 
didn't he catch his train ! Do you mean to tell Billy ? 



80 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

Jack. Not a word. 

Lady D. {sits — with a laugh of relief) That makes all 
the ditlerence. Why didn't you say so before. Fen qviick t 

Jack. I didn't know tiiat was a point. 

Lady D. That's because you know notliing of women, 
(s/te writes, hands it to Jack, l.) That do? 

Jack. Admirably ! {he puts it into his pocket and con- 
tentedly joins Harry as Munk. re-enters c. from R. Harry 
on platform. Jack c. Sir H., l. c.) 

Munk. {coming doivn L. c. helow table — speaks as he 
enters) Missed it by two minutes, and they wouldn't run 
a special, it can't be helped. Hullo, my dear, we'll catch 
the 12.-!0 after all. 

Lady 1). (l. prettily) I'm so glad, Fred dear. (Mrs. 
Greaves enters c. from L. and is doivn r. As Jane enters, 
Jim takes chair r. of staircase, and puts it closer to it, so 
as to be out of sight. He sits) It was such a disappoint- 
ment to me to lose you. Ah, Jane 

IMrs. G. {on platform between Jack and Sir H.— fever- 
ishly) Is tliat young woman gone ? 

Sir H. {up L. c. diplomatically) She is not present. 

Mrs. G. {with great relief) Then at least I can breathe 
freely, {goes doivn to r. c. Sir H. and Jack come down 
off platfonu) 

Lady D. {ci-ossing c.) Fred and I are deserting you 
for a little while to-dav, Jane dear, we are going up by 
the 12.40 to— to— 

Munk. (l. c. with a chuckle) To — to — do a little shop- 
ping. 

Lady D. (c. turning to him siveetly) If we started at 
once we could walk to the station, couldn't we, Fred? 

Munk. (l. c. looking at his ivatch) On our heads, my 
dear. 

Lady D. (C.) Oh no! I think I should like to walk 
conventionally for once. (Lady D. and Munk ?tp c.) 

Mrs. G. (r.) You'll be back in time for dinner? 

Lady D. {on platform c.) Oh, I hope so, Jane — au 
revoir. {to Sir H. and Jack who are up L. C. Exeunt 
Lady D. and Munk. c. to L.) 

Jack, {up l. c. to Sir H., who is l. of him) "We'll 
never see her again. ' ^ 

Sir H. {up l. c.) That's a comfort ! 

Jack, {doumc. io Mrs. G., uiho is below stairs) Mrs^ 
Greaves, you will not believe Sir Harry's word or mine. 

Mrs. G. (l. c.) You're both prejudiced. 

Jack. For the last time — you won't believe us? 

Mrs. G. (r. c.) Jack, my boy, I'd like to, but I can't. 
I must believe my own eyes. 

Jack. I'm sorry, as j'ou compel me, for Miss Marr's sake, 
to show you this, {he holds out the paper. Jim is in a. 



BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 81 

state of collapse in chair by stairway R. She stretches out 
her hand for it, but Jack stops her with a gesture and puts 
it behind his back. Continues to Mrs. G.) If I give you 
this, will you promise not to mention the lady's natuf to 
anj^ one ? Mind you, this affair happened before your 
marriage. AVill you promise ? {(hiring this Jim has come 
forward to iieivel post R. and tries to see ivhat they are 
giving her) 

Mrs. G. {after a struggle) I promise, wor — word of 
honour. {3 XCK gives her \j\i>Y T>.'s pap)er. Mrs. G. takes 
it, and reads it ; it dazes her — she reads it again, then says 
huskily) Let me be awhile — I — I ain't quite myself. 
(Jack offers to assist her) — No — (Sir H. offers to assist 
her) Let me be. (Sir H. goes up. Sir H. makes move- 
ment toxoards her on her u., she motions him aivay. Jim 
ivho has been at newel post holding himself by it almost 
falls. This attracts her attention to 1dm. She glares. He 
sneaks down R. a little) Is this true? 

Jim. {glumly) Yes. {a pause) 

Jack. ■ {turns to Sir H. and says very quietly — above 
Mrs. G.) Call Billy? (Sir H. goes into garden c. fo R.) 

Mrs. G. (Jack comes to her, feebly) Let me be awhile. 
{she turns tou'ards the breakfast room R. ) 

Jack, {detaining her) I cannot let you keep that 
paper. 

Mrs. G. No, no. quite right, {she gives it back to him — 
then pointing to Jim says) Take him away for a bit. 

{Enter Sir H. and Billy, r. c. ) 

Jack, {gently) Have you nothing to saj' to Billy ? 

Mrs. G. Oh , what will .she say to me ? 

Jack, {moves -up) Ask her. (Billy comes down. Sir 
H. remains on platform. The old ti'oman holds out her 
arms pleadingly to Billy.) 

Mrs. G. Will you ? I can't think you will. I'm an old 
and not a very happy woman, will you? (Billy goes ten- 
derly to her, and unt'h a sob the old lady takes her tenderly 
in her arms and drop)s her head upon her shoulder. Jack 
crosses L. and tears tip Lady D.'s confession and throus it 
into the fire L. R.) 

Sir H. You've torn it up ? 

Jack. Who needs it now ? {exit SiB, H. c. to L.. Jack 
looks longingly at Billy, ivho sits R. of table burying her 
head in her arms. Jack stands at fireplace. Mrs. G. is 
also wiping her eyes — then she turns and looks at her hus- 
band and with a little break in her voice she says) 

Mrs. G. (c.) Jim !— Jim ! 

Jim. I— I 

Mrs. G. {then she chokes and splutters out) Don't say 
6 



82 BILLY'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. 

another word about it. and I'll double your allowance. 
(Jim turns away and then turns buck to her) 

Jim. (hotly) Damn the allowance ! Dash it ! I only 
want to jog along and keep straight. 

Mrs. G. (softly) Do you really, Jim ? (going toivards 
him a bit) 

Jim. 'Course I do — you're a jolly good sort, and all that, 
and — (words fail him) 

Mrs. G. (almost in tears again) D'j^e really think so, 
Jim? (then ivistfnlly going a little further towards him) 
Honest Injun, Jim ? 

Jim. (firmly) Honest Injun. 

Mrs. G. (turning hack to c. ti'ith a choke) Come out- 
side. I can't talk now. (she goes up c. and then turns 
hack) Oh, Jimmy, I — I'm an old fool — but — I — I'll buck 
up and be better if I can. (she blows her nose to conceal 
her emotion and hurries out into the garden c. to L.) 

Jim. (To Jack as he hurries after her) It's all right. 
Ye see she's a jolly good sort and all that, ain't she? (he 
disappears quickly c. to L. 3 \CK looks pleadingly at Billy 
then goes to above table) 

Jack. Billy ! (sice doesn't move) We — we've been a 
little foolish haven't we, dear ? It — it's my fault I think, 
dear. It — it hasn't been wise to shut up our real selves 
from each other. I — I was a fool. 

Billy, (ivith a half sob) So was I. 

Jack, (coming doivn to R. of table) Oli, my dear, shall 
we try again ? 

Billy, (he raises her and takes her in her arms) If you 
please, Jack ! 

Jack. And anything that ever happened, Billy, in all 
our lives, Billy, we'll bring to each other for help. 

Billy, (looking up lovingly into his eyes) For help, 
yes, Jack, (he kisses her) 

Jack, (putting his arm round her tenderly) Did you 
sniflf ? 

Billy. No ! 

Jack. Oh ! 

QUICK curtain. 



FRENCH'S LIBRARY EDITION OF PLAYS. 

50 CENTS EACH. 

M F 

1. MAQDA. A Play in 4 Acts. By Hermann Sudermann. 

This play is considered the masterpiece of the ^reat German 
dramatist, and the translation is by Charles Edward Emory 
Winslow. This is the version played by Mrs. Patrick Campbell 
with enormous success in this country 6 8 

2. WHEN WE WERE TWENTY-ONE. A Comedy in 4 

Acts. By H. V. Esmond, author of " One Summer's Day," 
etc. Produced with great success by Mr. N. C. Goodwin and 
Maxine Elliott 9 5 

3. LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. A Comedy 

in 3 Acts. By R. C. Carton, author of "Liberty Hall," 

" Lord and Lady Algy," etc., etc 6 A 

4. AN AMERICAN CITIZEN. An Original Comedy in 

4 Acts. By Madeleine Lucette Ryley. This particularly 
bright comedy was produced with enormous success by Mr. 
N. C. Goodwin and played by him for a number of years .... 8 6 

5. A COUNTRY MOUSE. A Satirical Comedy in 3 Acts. 

By Arthur Law, author of "The New Boy," etc., etc. Produced 
with great success by Miss Ethel Barrymore 6 4 

6. The New Boy. A Farcical Play in 3 Acts. By Arthur 

Law, author of "A Country Mouse," "The Judge," etc., etc... 6 3 

7. WOODBARROW FARM. A Comedy in 3 Acts. 

By Jerome K Jerome, author of " Barbara," " Sunset," etc... .11 4 

8. BILLIE'S LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR. A Comedy in 3 

Acts. By H. V. Esmond, author of "One Summer's Dav," 
" When We Were Twenty-One," etc., etc. This comedy was 
produced last season under the title of "Imprudence," with 
Mr William Faversham in the leading role 8 6 

9. LADY WINDEMERE'S FAN. A Play in 4 Acts. 

By Oscar Wilde. This play is too well known to require any 
special introduction. It has been considered Mr. Wilde's be.st 
play 7 6 



UOV 23 ISC. 



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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



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